Memories of happy times and laughing times

This morning, I am working on Olivia's scrapbook.  And I came across her prayer card.  I always have a copy of it with me.  There is one on my desk, one in my purse and one in my car.  But I have not read it recently.  One line reads "of happy times and laughing times."  The makes me think of the Sungasaurs day.  Everyone who is a parent knows that sometimes you take it for granted.  Days when you don't play as much as you should or days when the idea of washing another bottle makes you want to scream.  The Sungasaurs day was different.  Olivia had just started laughing and Nick and I were on the floor playing with her and trying to make her laugh.  We finally figured out that she thought having her belly rubbed was hilarious.  I thank god all the time that we took a video that day.  We were trying to tape a video for Grandpa and it encompasses so many of my "I never want to forget" things about her. 

We have a holiday memorial service for Olivia this afternoon.  We will also go to the cemetery.  Today, I will remember that day.  I will try to focus on the good times- the happy times and laughing times. 

Olivia's tree

So... the holidays are just not the same this year.  Lately, I have been having a lot of "I should be" moments.  Thanksgiving... I "should" be thankful for something- anything.  Black Friday "I should be" shopping for a toddler.  Last night... "I should be going to the holiday parade with Laura, Ruby, Ivy and Olivia."  I "should" post to that blog.

So... I can't change most of those things... but I can post.

Anyone who knows anything about me knows that Christmas is "my" holiday.  I love it.  Everything about it.  I don't start celebrating until the day after Thanksgiving but come midnight on Thanksgiving and I am all in.  I rock out to Christmas music, love cheesy made for tv holiday movies and plan all month for Christmas Eve dinner.  I have lots and lots of decorations and wholeheartedly look forward to the morning of the 26th so I can go shopping for after Christmas sales to expand my holiday hoard.

As usual, last year, we went shopping.  I really wanted to buy a small pink tree for Olivia but I couldn't find one I liked.  So I bought a 4 foot fake tree and all the trimmings.  I got pink beads, glittery snowflakes, and purple and pink ornaments.  All for Olivia's tree.  Christmas is my favorite holiday and I wanted it to be hers too.  I wanted her to have a tree just for her in her room.  Well... this year I wasn't sure about it but I put up that tree.  I thought about decorating it differently but I didn't.  It is just as planned- and I must say... I am good.  It is beautiful and I know that she would have loved it.  I know that years from now things will be different but it will always be Olivia's tree.  I will decorate it differently and set it up in a different place but I will always think about her when I set it up.  I will remember the morning when I braved the crowds with her to search for a pink tree and came home with this one.

Happy Birthday baby girl!

One year ago today changed my life forever.  After a long labor and waking up from the wooziness of the surgery drugs, I learned that I had a beautiful baby girl.  I miss you every day little one.  But today dad and I are going to celebrate.  We will go to the pumpkin patch and pick you out a  pumpkin.  We will have a cake and will watch football.  Today, we will remember you just as we do everyday.  Happy birthday, Olivia!

All in the span of one year...

One year ago today was Olivia's due date.  At that time, I knew that the next year was going to be difficult... I just had no clue how difficult.  Today, I thought a lot about how much life can change in just one year.  One year before October 9, 201, Nick was just getting home from overseas.  Again, at that time, I had no idea how much my life would change in one year.

I am not going to lie, a month ago I was in a sad place.  I was having a difficult time missing Olivia and the life we should have had together.  This month, I feel more optimistic.  I know that the next week is going to be hard.  I still miss Olivia jut as much today as I did on February 18th.  But, today and this week, I choose not to be sad for what I don't have.  But to be happy for what I have learned.

In the past year I have learned so much.  I have learned the joy and happiness of being a mother.  I learned that Nicholas is a caring, and loving caregiver- not just to Olivia, but to me too.  I have learned that family needs to be my number one priority.  And I have learned that I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for.

Looking back, I knew all of these things before February... but sometimes, you forget to look at what you do have.  Sometimes, you loose sight of what you have in favor of seeing what you don't.

So... this week I will try focus on what I do have... and not what I have lost.  Just because I have lost her, doesn't mean that she isn't with me.  She is with me everyday.  When I make a choice to call my friends instead of e-mail them.  When I send a card instead of just assuming that the person knows I am thinking of them.  When I say I prayer for the children who have CHDs, that I don't even know.

Today, I remember that I don't know what life has in store for me and that at this time next year I will probably be writing about things that I couldn't even imagine right now and thinking even more about what Olivia's year taught me.

Olivia's headstone

Again it has been awhile but I thought that it was time that I shared Olivia's headstone and resting place with everyone.  Nick and I went to see it on Labor Day.  It wasn't easy but it was a beautiful day and the stone turned out perfect.  She is buried right by my grandpa (and eventually my grandma will be close too.)  It is a small cemetary and their spot is on top of the hill.  There is a beautiful tree and so many birds.  The rose in the background is from my mom and sister.  It glows at night.  My mom and sister put it out there way back in March.  Finally, the pink flower is from my Aunt Kris and Uncle John.  They knew we were going out there and want to make sure that it was special.  I don't know if I said it before... but thank you.  It made me very happy to see that she isn't forgotten.


The Front- This one is a bit shadowy from the tree.

 

The Back



Set in stone...

I know it has been awhile again.  I thought that I was doing pretty good with things... even made it through the 16th and 17th of August pretty well.  But things went down hill this week.  I know that it might sound a bit odd.  We lost Olivia 6 months ago and obviously it is real but this week they called to tell us her stone is in place.  The whole way along it was something that I kept putting off.  It kept changing the design on the back and having then put the writing in different fonts.  Even I knew I was being difficult.  I kept telling myself that I just wanted it to be perfect and while yes, I do want it to be perfect, that wasn't really the reason why I was putting off finalizing it.  I just didn't know why I was dragging my feet.  This week I realized why I kept pushing it off.

The past few months I have been healing... but now it is so real again.  I have not even been there to see it but now I know it is there.  Carved in a beautiful purple stone is "Olivia Barbara Hill" and below that reads "God needed one little angel."  On the back "Beloved Daughter of Nick and Dawn."  There forever (or at least the next one to two hundred years) it will be there.  I have no idea why the thought of those words etched in stone is so difficult for me to think about but there is just something that makes it so... permanent.

So what now...

In the past few days I have got a lot of questions about what will happen now that we know for sure what happened to Olivia.  Well... first, we need to gain more information.  From the research I have done, it looks like the chances of having another child with a heart defect are a little higher then a normal pregnancy but I can't find that much information about agenesis gallbladder.  Also, I know that during our next pregnancy, I will need to do a fetal ekg.  What are the risks with that?  In order to find out more, I made an appointment at the Fetal Concerns Center at Milwaukee's Children's Hospital. 

The other part of our "what now" has to do with legal issues.  I can't say a lot about it but obviously, her heart defect went undiagnosed and day-care was at least somewhat neglectful in not calling us.  I have talked to people and they are looking over her medical records to see if there is a case.  It isn't easy.  I would rather not have to go through this but I feel that if we don't see this through then that would be like saying "it's okay."  And it isn't.  I don't expect anyone, doctors included, to be infallible but I do expect them to be held accountable.  If I made such an oversight at work I would at least want someone to bring it to my attention.  If nothing else, maybe it will be a learning experience.  A way to ensure it doesn't happen again.

So... that is where we are.  All in all these things are somewhat unpleasant.  I wish we didn't have to have a special appointment at Children's Hospital.  I wish that lawyers weren't part of my life.  But... now that we have the results I feel like we are starting to put one foot in front of the other again.  I feel like we are no longer in waiting mode.  Now we can work on figuring things out and that is the best I can hope for.

As usual, thanks to everyone who has called, e-mailed  and messaged us.  I might not be able to reply to everyone but your support does not go unnoticed.