Memories of happy times and laughing times

This morning, I am working on Olivia's scrapbook.  And I came across her prayer card.  I always have a copy of it with me.  There is one on my desk, one in my purse and one in my car.  But I have not read it recently.  One line reads "of happy times and laughing times."  The makes me think of the Sungasaurs day.  Everyone who is a parent knows that sometimes you take it for granted.  Days when you don't play as much as you should or days when the idea of washing another bottle makes you want to scream.  The Sungasaurs day was different.  Olivia had just started laughing and Nick and I were on the floor playing with her and trying to make her laugh.  We finally figured out that she thought having her belly rubbed was hilarious.  I thank god all the time that we took a video that day.  We were trying to tape a video for Grandpa and it encompasses so many of my "I never want to forget" things about her. 

We have a holiday memorial service for Olivia this afternoon.  We will also go to the cemetery.  Today, I will remember that day.  I will try to focus on the good times- the happy times and laughing times. 

Olivia's tree

So... the holidays are just not the same this year.  Lately, I have been having a lot of "I should be" moments.  Thanksgiving... I "should" be thankful for something- anything.  Black Friday "I should be" shopping for a toddler.  Last night... "I should be going to the holiday parade with Laura, Ruby, Ivy and Olivia."  I "should" post to that blog.

So... I can't change most of those things... but I can post.

Anyone who knows anything about me knows that Christmas is "my" holiday.  I love it.  Everything about it.  I don't start celebrating until the day after Thanksgiving but come midnight on Thanksgiving and I am all in.  I rock out to Christmas music, love cheesy made for tv holiday movies and plan all month for Christmas Eve dinner.  I have lots and lots of decorations and wholeheartedly look forward to the morning of the 26th so I can go shopping for after Christmas sales to expand my holiday hoard.

As usual, last year, we went shopping.  I really wanted to buy a small pink tree for Olivia but I couldn't find one I liked.  So I bought a 4 foot fake tree and all the trimmings.  I got pink beads, glittery snowflakes, and purple and pink ornaments.  All for Olivia's tree.  Christmas is my favorite holiday and I wanted it to be hers too.  I wanted her to have a tree just for her in her room.  Well... this year I wasn't sure about it but I put up that tree.  I thought about decorating it differently but I didn't.  It is just as planned- and I must say... I am good.  It is beautiful and I know that she would have loved it.  I know that years from now things will be different but it will always be Olivia's tree.  I will decorate it differently and set it up in a different place but I will always think about her when I set it up.  I will remember the morning when I braved the crowds with her to search for a pink tree and came home with this one.

Happy Birthday baby girl!

One year ago today changed my life forever.  After a long labor and waking up from the wooziness of the surgery drugs, I learned that I had a beautiful baby girl.  I miss you every day little one.  But today dad and I are going to celebrate.  We will go to the pumpkin patch and pick you out a  pumpkin.  We will have a cake and will watch football.  Today, we will remember you just as we do everyday.  Happy birthday, Olivia!

All in the span of one year...

One year ago today was Olivia's due date.  At that time, I knew that the next year was going to be difficult... I just had no clue how difficult.  Today, I thought a lot about how much life can change in just one year.  One year before October 9, 201, Nick was just getting home from overseas.  Again, at that time, I had no idea how much my life would change in one year.

I am not going to lie, a month ago I was in a sad place.  I was having a difficult time missing Olivia and the life we should have had together.  This month, I feel more optimistic.  I know that the next week is going to be hard.  I still miss Olivia jut as much today as I did on February 18th.  But, today and this week, I choose not to be sad for what I don't have.  But to be happy for what I have learned.

In the past year I have learned so much.  I have learned the joy and happiness of being a mother.  I learned that Nicholas is a caring, and loving caregiver- not just to Olivia, but to me too.  I have learned that family needs to be my number one priority.  And I have learned that I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for.

Looking back, I knew all of these things before February... but sometimes, you forget to look at what you do have.  Sometimes, you loose sight of what you have in favor of seeing what you don't.

So... this week I will try focus on what I do have... and not what I have lost.  Just because I have lost her, doesn't mean that she isn't with me.  She is with me everyday.  When I make a choice to call my friends instead of e-mail them.  When I send a card instead of just assuming that the person knows I am thinking of them.  When I say I prayer for the children who have CHDs, that I don't even know.

Today, I remember that I don't know what life has in store for me and that at this time next year I will probably be writing about things that I couldn't even imagine right now and thinking even more about what Olivia's year taught me.

Olivia's headstone

Again it has been awhile but I thought that it was time that I shared Olivia's headstone and resting place with everyone.  Nick and I went to see it on Labor Day.  It wasn't easy but it was a beautiful day and the stone turned out perfect.  She is buried right by my grandpa (and eventually my grandma will be close too.)  It is a small cemetary and their spot is on top of the hill.  There is a beautiful tree and so many birds.  The rose in the background is from my mom and sister.  It glows at night.  My mom and sister put it out there way back in March.  Finally, the pink flower is from my Aunt Kris and Uncle John.  They knew we were going out there and want to make sure that it was special.  I don't know if I said it before... but thank you.  It made me very happy to see that she isn't forgotten.


The Front- This one is a bit shadowy from the tree.

 

The Back



Set in stone...

I know it has been awhile again.  I thought that I was doing pretty good with things... even made it through the 16th and 17th of August pretty well.  But things went down hill this week.  I know that it might sound a bit odd.  We lost Olivia 6 months ago and obviously it is real but this week they called to tell us her stone is in place.  The whole way along it was something that I kept putting off.  It kept changing the design on the back and having then put the writing in different fonts.  Even I knew I was being difficult.  I kept telling myself that I just wanted it to be perfect and while yes, I do want it to be perfect, that wasn't really the reason why I was putting off finalizing it.  I just didn't know why I was dragging my feet.  This week I realized why I kept pushing it off.

The past few months I have been healing... but now it is so real again.  I have not even been there to see it but now I know it is there.  Carved in a beautiful purple stone is "Olivia Barbara Hill" and below that reads "God needed one little angel."  On the back "Beloved Daughter of Nick and Dawn."  There forever (or at least the next one to two hundred years) it will be there.  I have no idea why the thought of those words etched in stone is so difficult for me to think about but there is just something that makes it so... permanent.

So what now...

In the past few days I have got a lot of questions about what will happen now that we know for sure what happened to Olivia.  Well... first, we need to gain more information.  From the research I have done, it looks like the chances of having another child with a heart defect are a little higher then a normal pregnancy but I can't find that much information about agenesis gallbladder.  Also, I know that during our next pregnancy, I will need to do a fetal ekg.  What are the risks with that?  In order to find out more, I made an appointment at the Fetal Concerns Center at Milwaukee's Children's Hospital. 

The other part of our "what now" has to do with legal issues.  I can't say a lot about it but obviously, her heart defect went undiagnosed and day-care was at least somewhat neglectful in not calling us.  I have talked to people and they are looking over her medical records to see if there is a case.  It isn't easy.  I would rather not have to go through this but I feel that if we don't see this through then that would be like saying "it's okay."  And it isn't.  I don't expect anyone, doctors included, to be infallible but I do expect them to be held accountable.  If I made such an oversight at work I would at least want someone to bring it to my attention.  If nothing else, maybe it will be a learning experience.  A way to ensure it doesn't happen again.

So... that is where we are.  All in all these things are somewhat unpleasant.  I wish we didn't have to have a special appointment at Children's Hospital.  I wish that lawyers weren't part of my life.  But... now that we have the results I feel like we are starting to put one foot in front of the other again.  I feel like we are no longer in waiting mode.  Now we can work on figuring things out and that is the best I can hope for.

As usual, thanks to everyone who has called, e-mailed  and messaged us.  I might not be able to reply to everyone but your support does not go unnoticed.

Autopsy Results

Today we got the final autopsy results.  It was a bit weird because I pulled the coroner's card out this morning to give him a call but we were in a hurry so we said we would just call him when we got home.  On the way to meet my sister for lunch Nick got a call from a number he didn't know.  I told him to answer it because I thought it was the coroner- it was.  So we turned around to meet with him. 

The meeting was fairly short.  He gave us the doctors report from Waukesha and the report from Children's Hospital.  He also had printed off an article on her condition and showed us how her death certificate will read.

There was no surprise.  Everything on the report is exactly the way I thought it was going to be.  Olivia's little body was taken over.  She had an ear infection in each ear, bronchitis, RSV and the early on set of pneumonia.  She was sick- really sick but beyond that the death certificate also lists "other facts contributing to death." She had an undiagnosed congenital heart defect specifically, a ventricular septal defect.  Looking back I have no idea how I didn't know she was so sick but I really think that no matter how things would have happened, the outcome would be the same- or worse.

We are so lucky... we were in Mexico the week before she died.  How could I have ever forgiven myself or my parents if she died while we were down there.  Or... it was foggy out that night so she couldn't be flown to Madison.  If it wasn't foggy she could have died on that flight and neither Nick or I would have been there.  What if we did make it to Madison and they couldn't do anything for her?  Could I have gone 2-3 days knowing what was going to happen?  Looking back, if the outcome was always going to be the same, I am happy with how it turned out.  She didn't suffer.  Nick and I were there.  We got to hold her and say goodbye.  We didn't have make any heartbreaking decisions.  And finally, we had no clue it was coming.

You would think that getting these results might be upsetting to me... but it is not.  It actually makes me happy.  Olivia had a heart defect from the beginning.  Anytime during that 4 months we could have lost her.  Or... I had a long, difficult labor and delivery.  We are so lucky that she made it through that.  We are so luck that we had 4 months with her.  And as painful as it is everyday, 4 months is so much better then nothing at all.

Hanging out with Ivy and stopping by the cemetary...

Today I spent the day with my mom and my 5 month old niece Ivy.  I wouldn't say that I have been avoiding Ivy- but I have not gone out of my way to bond with her the same way I did with Ruby.  I needed today.  Seeing my friend's sons over the weekend helped me get over the fear I was secretly holding on to but seeing Ivy today really helped me let go of that fear.  Seeing and holding a baby isn't nearly as hard as I thought it was going to be.  I can hold a baby again.  I am able to be happy with a baby.  I can play with, feed and change another child.  My mom said the same thing... "The more time I spend with Ivy the better it gets."  Children are so unique.  Ivy is the same size as Olivia but she is a mover.  Olivia rolled over a few times but Ivy rolls and rolls and rolls.  Olivia loved to talk and squawk... but Ivy is pretty quite.

As the years go on I know that it will be hard.  Ivy and Olivia would have started school the same year- they would have graduated from high school the same year.  I will always see Ivy and wonder- what would Olivia be like now.  But it is okay.  I know that they would have been their own people.  They would have done those things in their own way.

Today we also stopped by Olivia grave.  We didn't go out of our way... it was more... I couldn't go that way and not stop.  We weren't there long.  I don't feel like she is there.  She is here- whenever I need her to be.  All I need to do is look up to the sky... and she is here.  I need to go to the cemetery every once in awhile just to make sure it looks nice.  And today I saw that they laid the cement for her headstone.  I am going to finalize the design tomorrow.  I am ready for everyone to know that a little girl lays there- my little girl.  Who was so unique that even when I have more children will never be replaced.

This song reminds me of my friends...

This past weekend I spent the weekend in Michigan visiting my "MI friends."  My "MI friends" are my sorority sisters, their husbands.  I was very nervous about it.  So many of them have new babies and I just didn't know if it would be the same.  Would I be okay meeting their kids?  Would we still be able to hang out and have as much fun as before?  I was so excited to go visit but I cried the whole way.  See... I should have been taking my baby there... I should have been introducing her to all them.

Well... I don't know what I was so worried about it.  My "MI friends" are the type of friends that people call forever friends.  They have always been there for me... through the good and the bad of college, through the stress and happiness of getting married, through pregnancy and especially now.  There is something about friends like them... they seem to know more about what I need when then I do.  From the day after when Jade, Erika, Erica and Stefan came here to make sure we ate dinner, help me choose what to wear and help Nick by a suit coat.  To this weekend when Nyx so thoughtfully decided that I could meet Ellie, her 4 month old, next time I visited Michigan. The whole way along my friends have known what to do to make me feel better... even when I didn't know what to ask. 

To all my friends (not just the MI ones)... this song really reminds me of you.  I know you would do all those things... and so much more.  Thank you so much for all you have done.  You are all truly special to me.  And just so you know... I would be heartbroken if I ever had to... but if you were in the same spot someday... I will do all those things for you.

Sorry for my lack of writing...

Sorry I took a break from writing.  I know that everyone wants to know how we are doing.  We are living up with the name of the blog... just taking it day by day.  Nick is gone now Monday through Friday.  I am working a lot more lately and trying to keep everything up with the house keeps me busy at night.  Lately, I have been getting the question "are you trying for a second baby?"

I am ready to let everyone know that yes... Nick and I would like to have a family again.  We want more children.  I miss everything about being a mom... well... maybe not waking up at 3 am or breastfeeding. :)  But I have reservations about actually becoming a mom again.  First, the pregnancy will be much more stressful this time.  There will be more tests and more worrying.  Also, while I think that having another baby will help with some aspects of missing Olivia, it won't make loosing her okay.  And it might make some things more difficult.  Before you have a child you wonder about what kind of parent you will be but you have some faith that everything will be okay.  Loosing Olivia shattered that for me. 

I was super scared of SIDS with Olivia.  It took a little bit but eventually I was able to sleep when she was sleeping.  I am not sure about that with another child.  How will I ever be able to sleep?  Also, there will be the day when our second child gets sick... will I be able to handle that?  I am not sure I can handle taking another child to the ER.

I know that these fears will always be there and I am not willing to give up my family because of them.  Nick and I will just have to find someway to work through them.  For now, just know that we do want a family and we are grateful that we continue to be in your thoughts and prayers.

Just need to get through the next four days.

I always have a difficult time when the middle of the month comes along but this month is especially difficult.  I knew these days were coming up but even though I knew they were approaching... the next four days are going to be rough.

Tomorrow... Olivia would have been 8 months old.  I wonder what she would be doing.  She would probably crawling.  What about standing on her pudgy little legs?  Would she have liked the jumping horse my mom got her?  What about food?  Would she have liked peas and carrots?

Friday... 4 months since she died.  4 months and we still don't know what happened!  The coroner called this week just to let me know that they are waiting on a report from Children's Hospital.  I know that the doctors at Children's Hospital are busy but do they know how awfully heartbreaking it is to not know?  Please hurry up.  I pray everyday that we will find out soon.  I just want to know.

Saturday... the first day when Olivia will be gone longer then she was here... 4 months and 2 days since she died.  It is so weird to me that I only knew her for such a short time.  A very good friend of mine married someone that she had only known a few months and at the time I thought she was crazy... but I understand now.  It doesn't matter how long you know someone- if you love them- you love them.

And Sunday... Father's Day.  A very odd day.  Nick's first Father's Day... but we have no baby to take to the Brewer's Game.  No baby to take for a walk or to celebrate with.  I tried to pick out a card for him but there was nothing that said the right thing.  I suppose that someday I won't hate Mother's Day and Father's Day so much... but right now it seems like the stupidest holiday.  Why have a specific day to celebrate something that only brings pain for so many?

So that is what the next few days hold.  I know there will be lots of days like this... many "Olivia would have been x today."  Many more years of wondering what she would be doing now.  I do find some comfort in knowing that nothing can be as bad as it was.  Nothing can be worse then February 17th.  While others might wonder what life has in store for them, I no longer worry about it.  The only way I can get out of bed everyday is because I know I have lived though the worst day of my life.  And since it didn't kill me, that can only mean that now I am stronger.

I miss my husband.

This summer Nick is going to the police academy in Platville, WI- about 2.5 hours away.  He has an apartment there and only comes home on the weekends.  I am happy for him and while it is only Monday thru Friday- it sucks.  I miss him.  I do not like being alone.

Don't get me wrong... I am busy.  Work has been busy lately and it isn't easy keeping up with cutting the grass, "training" for a 5 k, going to Zumba and trying to keep the house clean.  It is just that as nice as everyone is, Nick is the only one who really knows.  He understands.  I miss that.  I miss being able to tell someone- I still miss her.  I miss being able to talk to him about her.  Everyone tries to understand and "put themselves in my shoes" but Nick is the only one who does understand.  He is the only person walking in the same shoes as me.

I know that we have been strong enough to make it though deployments before so I am sure that we make it through this.  It is just seems more difficult now.  Luckily, it is only a few weeks... the summer always goes fast and it will be Labor Day before I know it.

Mixed emotion

I have not been writing as much lately.  It is not because I don't have anything left to say... I have just been very busy at work lately and the thought of getting on the computer when I get home does not sound like fun.  So now there is so much to write about but today I want to just tell you why my feelings lately are so confusing and conflicting.  I feel that I am being pulled in two different directions.  Let me explain.

Last week my niece Ivy turned 4 months and 2 days old and a few days later share was 16 weeks 6 days old.  That is older then Olivia.  Olivia was 4 months 1 day or 16 weeks 5 days.  Ivy was not supposed to get older then Olivia.  In some ways that makes me so sad but at the same time I am happy.  I am happy to see Ivy grow up and am excited to see her laugh and smile- a task she just learned how to "on demand."   I am just sad that I will never see Olivia laugh again.  I miss her laugh so much.  How can one thing make you both so happy and yet sad at the same time?

Sometimes, I find myself so jealous of my sister and my friends.  Everyone else's baby's are gowning up... and mine never will.  It is so hard to not be jealous.  At other times, that doesn't always make sense to me either.  At times, I feel that being jealous of them is so selfish.  Some of my very good friends are struggling so hard to just get pregnant and others have had so many complications with pregnancies that they will never know the joy of having a baby.  I guess I should be grateful and most of the time I am.  Most of the time I really am... but other times I am not.  Other times I am just plain ... angry; just plain sad.  I feel like a kid that was given candy and then had ripped from their sticky hands.  I don't understand... why let me know the joy of motherhood and then take it away?  Which is worse- never knowing- or knowing what you lost?  Is it really better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all?

I have read enough about grief that I know all these feelings are normal.  Grief is not linear and I will go back and fourth.  I know that eventually I won't have such a roller coaster of emotion.  Eventually, I will make it through a week without having that punched in the stomach.feeling.  One day, I will make it through a week without thinking "oh my God, this really happened."  Until then... I guess I will just have to keep writing because it really does help.  Thanks to all of you for reading.

Heaven Is For Real

It is obvious that I have been thinking more about heaven lately.  Nick's cousin, Sarah-Beth, sent me a book "Heaven Is For Real."  (Thanks Sarah-Beth!)  The book is about a little boys experience when he visited heaven during an emergency surgery.  It is supposibly a true story.  At first, I had a difficult time reading it.  Nick and I are not really that religious and it is somewhat far feached... I mean... he had an out of body experience where he went to Heaven, met his miscarried sister, his grandpa and sat in Jesus' lap?

But I kept reading thinking that there must be some reason she sent this.  I must be able to find some kind of hope in a book that has comforted millions.  So I read on...luckily... it is fairly short and easy reading.

And the best part came at the very end.  It took them a few years to get the entire story from him and even longer for them to write the book and find a publisher.  So when they had done all that and were finally coming up with a name for the book, they asked him what he wanted people to know about his trip to heaven.  He said "that Heaven is for real."

It is one of the last lines in the book and it hit me. This was the thing I was looking for.  Funny that it is the title of the book but it took me the whole thing to figure it out.  Whether or not I believe all the stuff in the middle, that is what I needed to take away from it.  That heaven is for real and that Olivia is there.  While I hope that I have quite a long time here, I know that when it comes to my last days here I will not be scared or fearful the way I might have been before.  I will know that I am getting ready to see my little girl again and I will have an extra special angel waiting for me.

7 months old... and 3 months gone

I have been so busy lately so it will take me a few days catch up with what has been happening lately.  Work has been busy and over the weekend we went to Duluth and Eau Claire to visit Nick's family and high school friends.  It was nice to see everyone and I will post about it this week but today I want to share something that I have learned about grief.

Sometimes, grief is no different then being sick.  You know those days when you feel like you are starting to get sick and you just push through with the idea that "it's not a big deal" and then you end up really sick.  Then at that point all you can do is wish that you would have taken the time for yourself when you needed it.  That happened to me last week.

I had a fairly busy weekend getting ready for a work function and getting ready for vacation.  I knew that I was hurting but I but those feelings on the back burner and tried to push through.  It was a horrible plan.  By the time I got home on Tuesday night I couldn't stop crying.  I had not taken the time I needed for myself and it had caught up to me... I tried to push through but the date had caught up to me.  On Monday, May 16th, Olivia would have been 7 months old and on Tuesday, May 17th it was 3 months since she left us.

Luckily, I have Nick and he just held me and let me cry.  It was then that I realized that trying to push through is not the way to get through this.  I need to let myself miss my baby.  It has been 3 months but sometimes it feels like it was yesterday... and that is okay.  I think it would be worse if there were days when I didn't miss her so much.  And honestly... I felt so much better on Wednesday morning.

Thanks for the talk Lindsey... I am no longer avoiding my friends

Last week I wrote about how I felt like I was avoiding some of my nearest and dearest friends.  On Friday, I decided to "bite the bullet" and call my friend Lindsey.  She had a "little" boy in March.  It wasn't bad at all.  I really enjoyed talking to her and it made me realize that no matter what these girls are my friends.  There is no reason to avoid them.  In thinking about it now, we have been friends for almost 10 years.  We have seen each other through so many things.  Some have been joyful- graduations, engagements, weddings and some have been more painful- the loss of a close family member, fights or breakups and now the loss of a child.  Many of them are mothers and they all understand that I am not "over it."  Lindsey didn't even bring up Henry until I asked about him.  Talking to Lindsey reminded me that while they don't understand how it feels to loose a child, that isn't all that Olivia taught me.  I can still relate to the joy of the first time a baby sleeps through the night.  I still understand the hardships of breastfeeding.  I know the pain, joy and fear of delivery.

Thanks Lindsey... thanks for the good talk.  I needed to be reminded that we will always have things that we don't fully understand about each others hardships... but that doesn't mean we don't have anything in common.  We have 10 years behind us; 10 years of stories, memories and things we have in common.

Happy Mother's Day

A little over a week ago someone came up to me in my work cafe and asked me very happily "so how are you enjoying motherhood."  I hate telling people who don't know.  It is so hard to say "thank you for asking but my daughter died in February."

That day, I fumbled over my word and i honestly have no clue what I eventually spit out.  If I could go back I would tell him that motherhood is very much the best thing that ever happened to me.  Even though I now have a aching in my heart, I loved being a mom.  Unfortunately, on some days, I almost forget that I actually am a mom.  I have the stretchmarks, pregnancy stories and have been through labor and delivery but I don't have a baby at home to take care of.  I know the "other side" of motherhood.  I know what it is like to come home from the hospital with a baby... and I know what it is like to come home with an empty carseat.

With all the pain that motherhood has brought me it also brought me much joy.  I am happy to have had Olivia in my life.  On Sunday, Nick and I took a bike ride.  It was fun and got my mind off the fact that I was celebrating my first Mother's Day without Olivia.  I know that just like Easter, there will be many more "first" holidays that I celebrate without Olivia... and then there will be the ones that I did celebrate with her.  It is the new normal that I get a little more used to each day.

I might not have been able to say it on Sunday and for that I apologise... but to my mom, my grandmas, my sister and to all my friends... Happy Mother's Day.

Avoiding friends and "what now" moments

It has been bothering me lately that I have been pretty lax about getting to Michigan this summer to visit my friends.  For those of you who don’t know I have no less than 15 friends or acquaintances who have had babies since the first of the year.  I hate not being able to share with them.  I hate that I don’t really want to talk to them and I really hate that I don’t want to visit.  I just can’t.  I want to- I really want to be a good friend especially since some have stepped up so much during the past few months.  But the thought of going and being bombarded by babies gives me a headache.  I just can’t.  I hope that I will be able to soon… but I have a feeling that I am going to have to ease back into this part of my life.  I used to have so many things in common with everyone and the fact that I can’t share in their joy of motherhood kills me.

Which brings me to my “now what” revelation.  Nick and I have been going to counseling and I think that has helped us understand where each person is in their own grieving.  Now it is time to find other people who have been through this.  I need someone else in my life who knows that this pain will never go away.  It will ease and I will be able to breathe.  We will go on and have more children and then everything will be good.  But no matter how good it ever gets… I will always carry with me a certain amount of pain.

Another sign

Well... it has been awhile.  Our Internet has been working on again/ off again this week so will see if I will be able to make it through. 

Laura and I did a Race 4 Life Hunt this past weekend in Wausau.  It was really fun.  About 20 teams of 5 competed in the race.  At 1 pm we were given our list.  There activities that you got points for (take a picture of your team on a bleacher, find someone to tell you how they met, pump gas for a stranger, ect) and then a scavenger list of items to find (periwinkle crayon, mickey mouse ears, ect).  We also had 7 places to go to do an activity and get a card for our poker hand.  So Laura, me and some of her work friends were chasing around Wausau trying to get as many points as we can.  One thing on the scavenger hunt list was a rubbing from a gravestone.  We were going through town and saw a tiny monument place.  We pulled in and out of the 10 stones they had engraved one was a very large pink stone with "Olivia" across it.  At first Laura and I were a bit thrown and sad but later we talked about how weird it was.  I know that she was giving us a sign.  Just letting us know that she was there watching over us.