Memories of happy times and laughing times

This morning, I am working on Olivia's scrapbook.  And I came across her prayer card.  I always have a copy of it with me.  There is one on my desk, one in my purse and one in my car.  But I have not read it recently.  One line reads "of happy times and laughing times."  The makes me think of the Sungasaurs day.  Everyone who is a parent knows that sometimes you take it for granted.  Days when you don't play as much as you should or days when the idea of washing another bottle makes you want to scream.  The Sungasaurs day was different.  Olivia had just started laughing and Nick and I were on the floor playing with her and trying to make her laugh.  We finally figured out that she thought having her belly rubbed was hilarious.  I thank god all the time that we took a video that day.  We were trying to tape a video for Grandpa and it encompasses so many of my "I never want to forget" things about her. 

We have a holiday memorial service for Olivia this afternoon.  We will also go to the cemetery.  Today, I will remember that day.  I will try to focus on the good times- the happy times and laughing times. 

Olivia's tree

So... the holidays are just not the same this year.  Lately, I have been having a lot of "I should be" moments.  Thanksgiving... I "should" be thankful for something- anything.  Black Friday "I should be" shopping for a toddler.  Last night... "I should be going to the holiday parade with Laura, Ruby, Ivy and Olivia."  I "should" post to that blog.

So... I can't change most of those things... but I can post.

Anyone who knows anything about me knows that Christmas is "my" holiday.  I love it.  Everything about it.  I don't start celebrating until the day after Thanksgiving but come midnight on Thanksgiving and I am all in.  I rock out to Christmas music, love cheesy made for tv holiday movies and plan all month for Christmas Eve dinner.  I have lots and lots of decorations and wholeheartedly look forward to the morning of the 26th so I can go shopping for after Christmas sales to expand my holiday hoard.

As usual, last year, we went shopping.  I really wanted to buy a small pink tree for Olivia but I couldn't find one I liked.  So I bought a 4 foot fake tree and all the trimmings.  I got pink beads, glittery snowflakes, and purple and pink ornaments.  All for Olivia's tree.  Christmas is my favorite holiday and I wanted it to be hers too.  I wanted her to have a tree just for her in her room.  Well... this year I wasn't sure about it but I put up that tree.  I thought about decorating it differently but I didn't.  It is just as planned- and I must say... I am good.  It is beautiful and I know that she would have loved it.  I know that years from now things will be different but it will always be Olivia's tree.  I will decorate it differently and set it up in a different place but I will always think about her when I set it up.  I will remember the morning when I braved the crowds with her to search for a pink tree and came home with this one.