Heaven Is For Real

It is obvious that I have been thinking more about heaven lately.  Nick's cousin, Sarah-Beth, sent me a book "Heaven Is For Real."  (Thanks Sarah-Beth!)  The book is about a little boys experience when he visited heaven during an emergency surgery.  It is supposibly a true story.  At first, I had a difficult time reading it.  Nick and I are not really that religious and it is somewhat far feached... I mean... he had an out of body experience where he went to Heaven, met his miscarried sister, his grandpa and sat in Jesus' lap?

But I kept reading thinking that there must be some reason she sent this.  I must be able to find some kind of hope in a book that has comforted millions.  So I read on...luckily... it is fairly short and easy reading.

And the best part came at the very end.  It took them a few years to get the entire story from him and even longer for them to write the book and find a publisher.  So when they had done all that and were finally coming up with a name for the book, they asked him what he wanted people to know about his trip to heaven.  He said "that Heaven is for real."

It is one of the last lines in the book and it hit me. This was the thing I was looking for.  Funny that it is the title of the book but it took me the whole thing to figure it out.  Whether or not I believe all the stuff in the middle, that is what I needed to take away from it.  That heaven is for real and that Olivia is there.  While I hope that I have quite a long time here, I know that when it comes to my last days here I will not be scared or fearful the way I might have been before.  I will know that I am getting ready to see my little girl again and I will have an extra special angel waiting for me.

7 months old... and 3 months gone

I have been so busy lately so it will take me a few days catch up with what has been happening lately.  Work has been busy and over the weekend we went to Duluth and Eau Claire to visit Nick's family and high school friends.  It was nice to see everyone and I will post about it this week but today I want to share something that I have learned about grief.

Sometimes, grief is no different then being sick.  You know those days when you feel like you are starting to get sick and you just push through with the idea that "it's not a big deal" and then you end up really sick.  Then at that point all you can do is wish that you would have taken the time for yourself when you needed it.  That happened to me last week.

I had a fairly busy weekend getting ready for a work function and getting ready for vacation.  I knew that I was hurting but I but those feelings on the back burner and tried to push through.  It was a horrible plan.  By the time I got home on Tuesday night I couldn't stop crying.  I had not taken the time I needed for myself and it had caught up to me... I tried to push through but the date had caught up to me.  On Monday, May 16th, Olivia would have been 7 months old and on Tuesday, May 17th it was 3 months since she left us.

Luckily, I have Nick and he just held me and let me cry.  It was then that I realized that trying to push through is not the way to get through this.  I need to let myself miss my baby.  It has been 3 months but sometimes it feels like it was yesterday... and that is okay.  I think it would be worse if there were days when I didn't miss her so much.  And honestly... I felt so much better on Wednesday morning.

Thanks for the talk Lindsey... I am no longer avoiding my friends

Last week I wrote about how I felt like I was avoiding some of my nearest and dearest friends.  On Friday, I decided to "bite the bullet" and call my friend Lindsey.  She had a "little" boy in March.  It wasn't bad at all.  I really enjoyed talking to her and it made me realize that no matter what these girls are my friends.  There is no reason to avoid them.  In thinking about it now, we have been friends for almost 10 years.  We have seen each other through so many things.  Some have been joyful- graduations, engagements, weddings and some have been more painful- the loss of a close family member, fights or breakups and now the loss of a child.  Many of them are mothers and they all understand that I am not "over it."  Lindsey didn't even bring up Henry until I asked about him.  Talking to Lindsey reminded me that while they don't understand how it feels to loose a child, that isn't all that Olivia taught me.  I can still relate to the joy of the first time a baby sleeps through the night.  I still understand the hardships of breastfeeding.  I know the pain, joy and fear of delivery.

Thanks Lindsey... thanks for the good talk.  I needed to be reminded that we will always have things that we don't fully understand about each others hardships... but that doesn't mean we don't have anything in common.  We have 10 years behind us; 10 years of stories, memories and things we have in common.

Happy Mother's Day

A little over a week ago someone came up to me in my work cafe and asked me very happily "so how are you enjoying motherhood."  I hate telling people who don't know.  It is so hard to say "thank you for asking but my daughter died in February."

That day, I fumbled over my word and i honestly have no clue what I eventually spit out.  If I could go back I would tell him that motherhood is very much the best thing that ever happened to me.  Even though I now have a aching in my heart, I loved being a mom.  Unfortunately, on some days, I almost forget that I actually am a mom.  I have the stretchmarks, pregnancy stories and have been through labor and delivery but I don't have a baby at home to take care of.  I know the "other side" of motherhood.  I know what it is like to come home from the hospital with a baby... and I know what it is like to come home with an empty carseat.

With all the pain that motherhood has brought me it also brought me much joy.  I am happy to have had Olivia in my life.  On Sunday, Nick and I took a bike ride.  It was fun and got my mind off the fact that I was celebrating my first Mother's Day without Olivia.  I know that just like Easter, there will be many more "first" holidays that I celebrate without Olivia... and then there will be the ones that I did celebrate with her.  It is the new normal that I get a little more used to each day.

I might not have been able to say it on Sunday and for that I apologise... but to my mom, my grandmas, my sister and to all my friends... Happy Mother's Day.

Avoiding friends and "what now" moments

It has been bothering me lately that I have been pretty lax about getting to Michigan this summer to visit my friends.  For those of you who don’t know I have no less than 15 friends or acquaintances who have had babies since the first of the year.  I hate not being able to share with them.  I hate that I don’t really want to talk to them and I really hate that I don’t want to visit.  I just can’t.  I want to- I really want to be a good friend especially since some have stepped up so much during the past few months.  But the thought of going and being bombarded by babies gives me a headache.  I just can’t.  I hope that I will be able to soon… but I have a feeling that I am going to have to ease back into this part of my life.  I used to have so many things in common with everyone and the fact that I can’t share in their joy of motherhood kills me.

Which brings me to my “now what” revelation.  Nick and I have been going to counseling and I think that has helped us understand where each person is in their own grieving.  Now it is time to find other people who have been through this.  I need someone else in my life who knows that this pain will never go away.  It will ease and I will be able to breathe.  We will go on and have more children and then everything will be good.  But no matter how good it ever gets… I will always carry with me a certain amount of pain.

Another sign

Well... it has been awhile.  Our Internet has been working on again/ off again this week so will see if I will be able to make it through. 

Laura and I did a Race 4 Life Hunt this past weekend in Wausau.  It was really fun.  About 20 teams of 5 competed in the race.  At 1 pm we were given our list.  There activities that you got points for (take a picture of your team on a bleacher, find someone to tell you how they met, pump gas for a stranger, ect) and then a scavenger list of items to find (periwinkle crayon, mickey mouse ears, ect).  We also had 7 places to go to do an activity and get a card for our poker hand.  So Laura, me and some of her work friends were chasing around Wausau trying to get as many points as we can.  One thing on the scavenger hunt list was a rubbing from a gravestone.  We were going through town and saw a tiny monument place.  We pulled in and out of the 10 stones they had engraved one was a very large pink stone with "Olivia" across it.  At first Laura and I were a bit thrown and sad but later we talked about how weird it was.  I know that she was giving us a sign.  Just letting us know that she was there watching over us.