A little over a week ago someone came up to me in my work cafe and asked me very happily "so how are you enjoying motherhood." I hate telling people who don't know. It is so hard to say "thank you for asking but my daughter died in February."
That day, I fumbled over my word and i honestly have no clue what I eventually spit out. If I could go back I would tell him that motherhood is very much the best thing that ever happened to me. Even though I now have a aching in my heart, I loved being a mom. Unfortunately, on some days, I almost forget that I actually am a mom. I have the stretchmarks, pregnancy stories and have been through labor and delivery but I don't have a baby at home to take care of. I know the "other side" of motherhood. I know what it is like to come home from the hospital with a baby... and I know what it is like to come home with an empty carseat.
With all the pain that motherhood has brought me it also brought me much joy. I am happy to have had Olivia in my life. On Sunday, Nick and I took a bike ride. It was fun and got my mind off the fact that I was celebrating my first Mother's Day without Olivia. I know that just like Easter, there will be many more "first" holidays that I celebrate without Olivia... and then there will be the ones that I did celebrate with her. It is the new normal that I get a little more used to each day.
I might not have been able to say it on Sunday and for that I apologise... but to my mom, my grandmas, my sister and to all my friends... Happy Mother's Day.
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