Kids make holiday's special

Yesterday my mom, dad and grandma came down to help us with some yard work.  We worked all day.  Moving plants, planting plants, weeding, filling in some areas with top soil, and reseeding some areas.  We also took out a strip of sod for Olivia's grave.  My mom took it there today.  It is nice to think that she will always have a little piece of home close.

So Easter this year is pretty lame day.  This year it is no different then any other day.  Except all the stores are closed and there were no coupons in the paper today.  You know... kids make things special.  If Olivia was here we would have dressed her up, went to church and probably had my parents down for a big dinner.  We would have made a big deal about getting her a new dress and I would have made her a basket with lots of Reese's eggs for dad.  I would have set up up and would have dyed eggs with her.  None of these things would have mattered to her but it would have made things special for me.  I didn't do any of that this year. 

I know that this year holidays are going to be hard.  I had so much fun dressing Olivia up for Halloween.  I don't think that it will be that way this year.  I love Christmas and I am really not looking forward to it.  Shopping the day after Christmas is my favorite holiday tradition and this past year we took Olivia out.  I bought a small tree and special ornaments and decorations for Olivia's room.  I will never be able to put up that tree for her.  What about her stocking?  Do I put it up next year?

Ah... anyway I guess I don't have to decide all that right now.  For now I will work on getting through today,  Easter Sunday, without my little one.

How Olivia shows me she is here...

Olivia comes to me in so many different ways.  One way is through the sunshine.  Every time I see the sun shine through the clouds like this it reminds me that she is there.

Last week, I was driving home from a rough day at work and was just down in the dumps.  A cardinal flew in front of the car so quickly that I just barely make it out.  Without thinking I said "hello Olivia" and started smiling.  On Sunday, on a whim I bought a Easter Lily.  When I got home I realized that while all the plants there only had one stem, the one I grabbed had two.  Now, the plant is blooming more beautifully then any Easter Lily I ever had before.

Finally, a few weeks ago I was getting scared that I was forgetting her.  I can't remember her as clearly as before and I understand that this will happen.  That eventually the time since I last held her will be so long that I won't remember everything as vividly.  I had a hard time getting to sleep that night but in the morning I woke up from a dream and I could have sworn that I had just held her.  My arms remembered her weight and the way that she liked to be held.  I know that she came to me that night to show me that even if I don't remember things as vividly, there is a part of me that will never, can never, forget.

I like to think that all these little things are my little girl's way of showing me that she is still here.  She is watching over us making sure that we remember her in a good way.  That we remember her with a smile.  While I will never be able to think about her and not feel somewhat sad it isn't the painful punch in the stomach that it once was.  Healing is hard but I know that she will always be with us and she will come to me when I need her most.

6 months

Today would have been Olivia's 6 month birthday.  We would be feeding her solids and she would be sitting up on her own.

We went to Walgreen's today and their was a sign up for pictures with the Easter Bunny.  I wish we could take her to pictures with the Easter Bunny and get her a beautiful Easter dress.  She was so cute in her Christmas dress... well she was so cute in Ruby's Christmas dress.

Today I miss my little girl.  I miss who she would have been today.

I made a doctor appointment...

This week I made an appointment at a new doctor to get checked to see how I am healing from the pregnancy and c-section.  I want to have a family again- probably sooner rather then later so I need to get checked to see what that means.  I have a lot of questions for this new doctor.  The way I see it this first "family planning" appointment is an interview.  I want to know everything this time.  I am also going to do a lot more research about the hospital and the pediatricians they have on call.  We choose this doctor from a recommendation from a friend of ours who had some complications of her own.  I need someone who is willing to go the extra mile to make sure I am taken care of.  That is so not my last doctor.

I can't say that I really disliked her until delivery day but even before that I was loosing confidence in her.  She didn't really answer the questions I had well enough but I thought that everything would be okay.  Maybe I should have asked more questions when Olivia was measuring so far behind and then ended up being 10 lb 10 oz?  But really... I don't think that I could have asked enough questions.  And then their was the labor and delivery.  It just wasn't a good experience, it was pretty bad actually and after that I had no confidence in her at all.  Finally, when Olivia died I called to ask her if there was anything I could do to stop my milk production... she couldn't have been more heartless during that conversation.  I will be happy not to see her again.

Anyway... I want to be more then prepared next time around.  I was fairly laid back during my first pregnancy but I don't think I will be that way next time.  I know I am going to be that mom who takes her child to the doctor for everything.  That's okay I guess.  In my opinion, I am justified and I am sure that I will find a doctor that understands that.  I used to have a general feeling that doctors were well educated and I should let them do their job.  Loosing Olivia changed that.  While I can't blame what happened on one person, I do think that in general modern medicine failed me.  Next time around I will ask a 101 questions.  Even if it does nothing more then make me feel better.

Preliminary results

So on Thursday Nick called the coroner.  It looks like it is going to be another month or two before we get all the results back but he was able to tell us that Olivia had a double ear infection.  No surprise there.  What was surprising to find out is that she was born without a gallbladder. 

I researched that online and it looks like an agenesis gallbladder is fairly common.  About 1 in 1000.  The more uncommon part is that is 70% of those cases present with no other symptoms or problems.  In the other 30% a child with an agenseis gallbladder can have other problems... one being a ventricular septal defect.  VSD is a type of congenital heart defect.  It is a hole between the ventricles of the heart.

So... that is what we know so far.  I know that a lot of that is just what I found online and we need to wait for all the results to come back but it is so hard to not think about the what ifs and why not.  Why didn't they see this on my ultrasounds?  How come they didn't hear a heart murmur?  Why didn't they check her heart when she couldn't keep her pulse ox up?

Would it have made a difference?  Would things be different now?  Or would we have just spent months in the hospital just to have the same outcome?

I will never know the answers to those questions.  What I do know is that no matter what... I still miss my baby just as bad.  Learning what happened doesn't make loosing her any easier.

Telling someone new

Yesterday was the first time I had to tell someone new about Olivia.  I have had to talk to people who didn't know that Olivia died but this was the first time I told someone that I too had a baby in October... but that my little girl died in February.

Her is how it happened.  We have a few new people at work and they were in town for training.  I didn't go out to dinner with them when they were here 3 weeks ago.  At that time, I wasn't up for socializing but this time I thought okay... I should go.  At dinner Brian was talking about his son who is 5 1/2 months old.  I kept thinking that his son was the same age that Olivia would be.  Finally, I gathered up enough courage to ask him when his son was born and he said, "October 13th." 

I thought about it and I said, "my daughter Olivia was born on October 16th."  He got really excited and asked if I had any pictures of her with me.  I said "I do... but Olivia died in February."  After that I don't remember much of the conversation.  He teared up and said he was so sorry.  I said it was okay.  He asked if it was SIDS and I said no... but we don't know what it was just yet.  He said something about how strong I am and that he was glad that I told him about Olivia.

How could I not tell him?  If I had not told him then it would be like me forgetting about her.  I know that this will come up often.  You don't realize how much children monopolize everyday conversations.  It is natural when you are meeting someone new to ask if they have any children.  I will always cringe when answering that question.  What do I say?  Right now, yes, I did.  Or later... do I include Olivia in the count?  I am sure that someday I will figure it out.  For now, I am glad that I told Brian about Olivia.  And really... it went well.  After telling him about Olivia he opened up to me about some hardships that him and his wife went through.  It was a difficult conversation but it was good to talk about her.

Today I got a call from Buy Buy Baby...

Apparently it is getting close to Olivia's 6 month milestone and we should make an appointment to get her pictures taken.  I know that from time to time we will get these call and maybe someday it won't bother me so much but today it really sucked.  I was unprepared and quickly answered my phone wondering who the heck would call me on my cell in the middle of the day.  I didn't say anything... I just hung up and when they called back I let it go to voicemail. 

I feel bad for just hanging up but I truly didn't know what to say.  "I am sorry but you are mistaken... my baby died when she was 4 months and one day old.  We won't need to schedule a 6 month appointment"  No, that doesn't seem right.  To tell the story of Olivia to someone who was just making a routine sales call just seems mean.  I can hear the sorrow in a person's voice when I tell them about her.

So... I know that someday I will know how to answer these calls.  Someday I won't hurt so bad when I hear the sorrow in someone else's voice when I tell them about Olivia.  Someday, I will find a way to  tell my new friends, co-workers, and acquaintances about my first born. 

But, until then, until I am ready, I won't be answering "unknown" calls anymore.

God needed one little angel...

Brand New Wings by Peter Brandon is the song we played at Olivia's funeral and it really means a lot to Nick and I.  The Saturday after she died we were sitting on our couch searching for a song.  It didn't take even 30 seconds of playing this one that I knew.  We found it on YouTube but we couldn't find it anywhere else.  Finally, my sister e-mailed the artist and he sent it to us to use.

I have not listened since the funeral but I know the words as well as the songs that I hear on the radio every day.  It plays in my head at least 2-3 times a day.  I listened to it this morning because we picked out Olivia's headstone yesterday there will be a line from the song on it.

"God needed one little angel and you were his top candidate."

Everyone always wonders "why?" and that is the only reason that I can come up with.  That for some reason God chose her. 

I thought of the song whole time we were at Miller Monuments yesterday.  We chose blue silk granite.  It is a beautiful purple stone that is so unique.  They will do three designs for us.  It should take 2 weeks to get the designs back and then once we choose the shape, they will order the stone.  Hopefully, her stone will be in place by August or September.

This weekends plans...

So it was a good week at the Hill Household.  Not great... but not bad.  Fairly uneventful.  This weekend is going to be a bit emotional.  Tomorrow we are going to go to the cemetery.  We have not been back since we left her there in February.  It is going to be hard to go back but I want to see it.  I know that my sister bought a rose that is solar powered.  I am sure it is beautiful.  I want to talk to my grandpa too.  I know that he is watching over her now.

Then we are going to pick out her headstone.  I have an idea of what I want and I am looking forward to getting something nice for her.  I know it is going to be hard because I still think that we just shouldn't be doing this.  I still have times when I think about her and can't believe that she is gone.  Two months ago I would have told you that I would never be able to live through loosing her.  But we are and 'day by day' it is getting better.

On Sunday my mom and dad are coming down.  Most of the baby stuff is packed away.  Right away we took everything downstairs and then two weekends ago we worked on her room a little.  We packed the clothes for Ivy and cleaned out the drawers... but there is still more to be done- the sheets should be washed and I have no idea what is in the hamper.  For now, we are going to leave the crib changing table and rocking chair there.  I can't see changing it back into a guest room just yet.  I wouldn't want anyone in there and that would just be too much.  But I do want to make sure that things are cleaned up and put away properly so that when we are lucky enough to have another baby things are nice for them.

So... that is what I have planned for this weekend.  All I can think is... I am so sad.  I so wish we were doing something fun with Olivia instead.