We have a holiday memorial service for Olivia this afternoon. We will also go to the cemetery. Today, I will remember that day. I will try to focus on the good times- the happy times and laughing times.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Memories of happy times and laughing times
This morning, I am working on Olivia's scrapbook. And I came across her prayer card. I always have a copy of it with me. There is one on my desk, one in my purse and one in my car. But I have not read it recently. One line reads "of happy times and laughing times." The makes me think of the Sungasaurs day. Everyone who is a parent knows that sometimes you take it for granted. Days when you don't play as much as you should or days when the idea of washing another bottle makes you want to scream. The Sungasaurs day was different. Olivia had just started laughing and Nick and I were on the floor playing with her and trying to make her laugh. We finally figured out that she thought having her belly rubbed was hilarious. I thank god all the time that we took a video that day. We were trying to tape a video for Grandpa and it encompasses so many of my "I never want to forget" things about her.
We have a holiday memorial service for Olivia this afternoon. We will also go to the cemetery. Today, I will remember that day. I will try to focus on the good times- the happy times and laughing times.
We have a holiday memorial service for Olivia this afternoon. We will also go to the cemetery. Today, I will remember that day. I will try to focus on the good times- the happy times and laughing times.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Olivia's tree
So... the holidays are just not the same this year. Lately, I have been having a lot of "I should be" moments. Thanksgiving... I "should" be thankful for something- anything. Black Friday "I should be" shopping for a toddler. Last night... "I should be going to the holiday parade with Laura, Ruby, Ivy and Olivia." I "should" post to that blog.
So... I can't change most of those things... but I can post.
Anyone who knows anything about me knows that Christmas is "my" holiday. I love it. Everything about it. I don't start celebrating until the day after Thanksgiving but come midnight on Thanksgiving and I am all in. I rock out to Christmas music, love cheesy made for tv holiday movies and plan all month for Christmas Eve dinner. I have lots and lots of decorations and wholeheartedly look forward to the morning of the 26th so I can go shopping for after Christmas sales to expand my holiday hoard.
As usual, last year, we went shopping. I really wanted to buy a small pink tree for Olivia but I couldn't find one I liked. So I bought a 4 foot fake tree and all the trimmings. I got pink beads, glittery snowflakes, and purple and pink ornaments. All for Olivia's tree. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I wanted it to be hers too. I wanted her to have a tree just for her in her room. Well... this year I wasn't sure about it but I put up that tree. I thought about decorating it differently but I didn't. It is just as planned- and I must say... I am good. It is beautiful and I know that she would have loved it. I know that years from now things will be different but it will always be Olivia's tree. I will decorate it differently and set it up in a different place but I will always think about her when I set it up. I will remember the morning when I braved the crowds with her to search for a pink tree and came home with this one.
So... I can't change most of those things... but I can post.
Anyone who knows anything about me knows that Christmas is "my" holiday. I love it. Everything about it. I don't start celebrating until the day after Thanksgiving but come midnight on Thanksgiving and I am all in. I rock out to Christmas music, love cheesy made for tv holiday movies and plan all month for Christmas Eve dinner. I have lots and lots of decorations and wholeheartedly look forward to the morning of the 26th so I can go shopping for after Christmas sales to expand my holiday hoard.
As usual, last year, we went shopping. I really wanted to buy a small pink tree for Olivia but I couldn't find one I liked. So I bought a 4 foot fake tree and all the trimmings. I got pink beads, glittery snowflakes, and purple and pink ornaments. All for Olivia's tree. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I wanted it to be hers too. I wanted her to have a tree just for her in her room. Well... this year I wasn't sure about it but I put up that tree. I thought about decorating it differently but I didn't. It is just as planned- and I must say... I am good. It is beautiful and I know that she would have loved it. I know that years from now things will be different but it will always be Olivia's tree. I will decorate it differently and set it up in a different place but I will always think about her when I set it up. I will remember the morning when I braved the crowds with her to search for a pink tree and came home with this one.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Happy Birthday baby girl!
One year ago today changed my life forever. After a long labor and waking up from the wooziness of the surgery drugs, I learned that I had a beautiful baby girl. I miss you every day little one. But today dad and I are going to celebrate. We will go to the pumpkin patch and pick you out a pumpkin. We will have a cake and will watch football. Today, we will remember you just as we do everyday. Happy birthday, Olivia!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
All in the span of one year...
One year ago today was Olivia's due date. At that time, I knew that the next year was going to be difficult... I just had no clue how difficult. Today, I thought a lot about how much life can change in just one year. One year before October 9, 201, Nick was just getting home from overseas. Again, at that time, I had no idea how much my life would change in one year.
I am not going to lie, a month ago I was in a sad place. I was having a difficult time missing Olivia and the life we should have had together. This month, I feel more optimistic. I know that the next week is going to be hard. I still miss Olivia jut as much today as I did on February 18th. But, today and this week, I choose not to be sad for what I don't have. But to be happy for what I have learned.
In the past year I have learned so much. I have learned the joy and happiness of being a mother. I learned that Nicholas is a caring, and loving caregiver- not just to Olivia, but to me too. I have learned that family needs to be my number one priority. And I have learned that I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for.
Looking back, I knew all of these things before February... but sometimes, you forget to look at what you do have. Sometimes, you loose sight of what you have in favor of seeing what you don't.
So... this week I will try focus on what I do have... and not what I have lost. Just because I have lost her, doesn't mean that she isn't with me. She is with me everyday. When I make a choice to call my friends instead of e-mail them. When I send a card instead of just assuming that the person knows I am thinking of them. When I say I prayer for the children who have CHDs, that I don't even know.
Today, I remember that I don't know what life has in store for me and that at this time next year I will probably be writing about things that I couldn't even imagine right now and thinking even more about what Olivia's year taught me.
I am not going to lie, a month ago I was in a sad place. I was having a difficult time missing Olivia and the life we should have had together. This month, I feel more optimistic. I know that the next week is going to be hard. I still miss Olivia jut as much today as I did on February 18th. But, today and this week, I choose not to be sad for what I don't have. But to be happy for what I have learned.
In the past year I have learned so much. I have learned the joy and happiness of being a mother. I learned that Nicholas is a caring, and loving caregiver- not just to Olivia, but to me too. I have learned that family needs to be my number one priority. And I have learned that I have the best friends anyone could ever ask for.
Looking back, I knew all of these things before February... but sometimes, you forget to look at what you do have. Sometimes, you loose sight of what you have in favor of seeing what you don't.
So... this week I will try focus on what I do have... and not what I have lost. Just because I have lost her, doesn't mean that she isn't with me. She is with me everyday. When I make a choice to call my friends instead of e-mail them. When I send a card instead of just assuming that the person knows I am thinking of them. When I say I prayer for the children who have CHDs, that I don't even know.
Today, I remember that I don't know what life has in store for me and that at this time next year I will probably be writing about things that I couldn't even imagine right now and thinking even more about what Olivia's year taught me.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Olivia's headstone
Again it has been awhile but I thought that it was time that I shared Olivia's headstone and resting place with everyone. Nick and I went to see it on Labor Day. It wasn't easy but it was a beautiful day and the stone turned out perfect. She is buried right by my grandpa (and eventually my grandma will be close too.) It is a small cemetary and their spot is on top of the hill. There is a beautiful tree and so many birds. The rose in the background is from my mom and sister. It glows at night. My mom and sister put it out there way back in March. Finally, the pink flower is from my Aunt Kris and Uncle John. They knew we were going out there and want to make sure that it was special. I don't know if I said it before... but thank you. It made me very happy to see that she isn't forgotten.
 |
| The Front- This one is a bit shadowy from the tree. |
 |
| The Back |
Friday, August 26, 2011
Set in stone...
I know it has been awhile again. I thought that I was doing pretty good with things... even made it through the 16th and 17th of August pretty well. But things went down hill this week. I know that it might sound a bit odd. We lost Olivia 6 months ago and obviously it is real but this week they called to tell us her stone is in place. The whole way along it was something that I kept putting off. It kept changing the design on the back and having then put the writing in different fonts. Even I knew I was being difficult. I kept telling myself that I just wanted it to be perfect and while yes, I do want it to be perfect, that wasn't really the reason why I was putting off finalizing it. I just didn't know why I was dragging my feet. This week I realized why I kept pushing it off.
The past few months I have been healing... but now it is so real again. I have not even been there to see it but now I know it is there. Carved in a beautiful purple stone is "Olivia Barbara Hill" and below that reads "God needed one little angel." On the back "Beloved Daughter of Nick and Dawn." There forever (or at least the next one to two hundred years) it will be there. I have no idea why the thought of those words etched in stone is so difficult for me to think about but there is just something that makes it so... permanent.
The past few months I have been healing... but now it is so real again. I have not even been there to see it but now I know it is there. Carved in a beautiful purple stone is "Olivia Barbara Hill" and below that reads "God needed one little angel." On the back "Beloved Daughter of Nick and Dawn." There forever (or at least the next one to two hundred years) it will be there. I have no idea why the thought of those words etched in stone is so difficult for me to think about but there is just something that makes it so... permanent.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
So what now...
In the past few days I have got a lot of questions about what will happen now that we know for sure what happened to Olivia. Well... first, we need to gain more information. From the research I have done, it looks like the chances of having another child with a heart defect are a little higher then a normal pregnancy but I can't find that much information about agenesis gallbladder. Also, I know that during our next pregnancy, I will need to do a fetal ekg. What are the risks with that? In order to find out more, I made an appointment at the Fetal Concerns Center at Milwaukee's Children's Hospital.
The other part of our "what now" has to do with legal issues. I can't say a lot about it but obviously, her heart defect went undiagnosed and day-care was at least somewhat neglectful in not calling us. I have talked to people and they are looking over her medical records to see if there is a case. It isn't easy. I would rather not have to go through this but I feel that if we don't see this through then that would be like saying "it's okay." And it isn't. I don't expect anyone, doctors included, to be infallible but I do expect them to be held accountable. If I made such an oversight at work I would at least want someone to bring it to my attention. If nothing else, maybe it will be a learning experience. A way to ensure it doesn't happen again.
So... that is where we are. All in all these things are somewhat unpleasant. I wish we didn't have to have a special appointment at Children's Hospital. I wish that lawyers weren't part of my life. But... now that we have the results I feel like we are starting to put one foot in front of the other again. I feel like we are no longer in waiting mode. Now we can work on figuring things out and that is the best I can hope for.
As usual, thanks to everyone who has called, e-mailed and messaged us. I might not be able to reply to everyone but your support does not go unnoticed.
The other part of our "what now" has to do with legal issues. I can't say a lot about it but obviously, her heart defect went undiagnosed and day-care was at least somewhat neglectful in not calling us. I have talked to people and they are looking over her medical records to see if there is a case. It isn't easy. I would rather not have to go through this but I feel that if we don't see this through then that would be like saying "it's okay." And it isn't. I don't expect anyone, doctors included, to be infallible but I do expect them to be held accountable. If I made such an oversight at work I would at least want someone to bring it to my attention. If nothing else, maybe it will be a learning experience. A way to ensure it doesn't happen again.
So... that is where we are. All in all these things are somewhat unpleasant. I wish we didn't have to have a special appointment at Children's Hospital. I wish that lawyers weren't part of my life. But... now that we have the results I feel like we are starting to put one foot in front of the other again. I feel like we are no longer in waiting mode. Now we can work on figuring things out and that is the best I can hope for.
As usual, thanks to everyone who has called, e-mailed and messaged us. I might not be able to reply to everyone but your support does not go unnoticed.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Autopsy Results
Today we got the final autopsy results. It was a bit weird because I pulled the coroner's card out this morning to give him a call but we were in a hurry so we said we would just call him when we got home. On the way to meet my sister for lunch Nick got a call from a number he didn't know. I told him to answer it because I thought it was the coroner- it was. So we turned around to meet with him.
The meeting was fairly short. He gave us the doctors report from Waukesha and the report from Children's Hospital. He also had printed off an article on her condition and showed us how her death certificate will read.
There was no surprise. Everything on the report is exactly the way I thought it was going to be. Olivia's little body was taken over. She had an ear infection in each ear, bronchitis, RSV and the early on set of pneumonia. She was sick- really sick but beyond that the death certificate also lists "other facts contributing to death." She had an undiagnosed congenital heart defect specifically, a ventricular septal defect. Looking back I have no idea how I didn't know she was so sick but I really think that no matter how things would have happened, the outcome would be the same- or worse.
We are so lucky... we were in Mexico the week before she died. How could I have ever forgiven myself or my parents if she died while we were down there. Or... it was foggy out that night so she couldn't be flown to Madison. If it wasn't foggy she could have died on that flight and neither Nick or I would have been there. What if we did make it to Madison and they couldn't do anything for her? Could I have gone 2-3 days knowing what was going to happen? Looking back, if the outcome was always going to be the same, I am happy with how it turned out. She didn't suffer. Nick and I were there. We got to hold her and say goodbye. We didn't have make any heartbreaking decisions. And finally, we had no clue it was coming.
You would think that getting these results might be upsetting to me... but it is not. It actually makes me happy. Olivia had a heart defect from the beginning. Anytime during that 4 months we could have lost her. Or... I had a long, difficult labor and delivery. We are so lucky that she made it through that. We are so luck that we had 4 months with her. And as painful as it is everyday, 4 months is so much better then nothing at all.
The meeting was fairly short. He gave us the doctors report from Waukesha and the report from Children's Hospital. He also had printed off an article on her condition and showed us how her death certificate will read.
There was no surprise. Everything on the report is exactly the way I thought it was going to be. Olivia's little body was taken over. She had an ear infection in each ear, bronchitis, RSV and the early on set of pneumonia. She was sick- really sick but beyond that the death certificate also lists "other facts contributing to death." She had an undiagnosed congenital heart defect specifically, a ventricular septal defect. Looking back I have no idea how I didn't know she was so sick but I really think that no matter how things would have happened, the outcome would be the same- or worse.
We are so lucky... we were in Mexico the week before she died. How could I have ever forgiven myself or my parents if she died while we were down there. Or... it was foggy out that night so she couldn't be flown to Madison. If it wasn't foggy she could have died on that flight and neither Nick or I would have been there. What if we did make it to Madison and they couldn't do anything for her? Could I have gone 2-3 days knowing what was going to happen? Looking back, if the outcome was always going to be the same, I am happy with how it turned out. She didn't suffer. Nick and I were there. We got to hold her and say goodbye. We didn't have make any heartbreaking decisions. And finally, we had no clue it was coming.
You would think that getting these results might be upsetting to me... but it is not. It actually makes me happy. Olivia had a heart defect from the beginning. Anytime during that 4 months we could have lost her. Or... I had a long, difficult labor and delivery. We are so lucky that she made it through that. We are so luck that we had 4 months with her. And as painful as it is everyday, 4 months is so much better then nothing at all.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Hanging out with Ivy and stopping by the cemetary...
Today I spent the day with my mom and my 5 month old niece Ivy. I wouldn't say that I have been avoiding Ivy- but I have not gone out of my way to bond with her the same way I did with Ruby. I needed today. Seeing my friend's sons over the weekend helped me get over the fear I was secretly holding on to but seeing Ivy today really helped me let go of that fear. Seeing and holding a baby isn't nearly as hard as I thought it was going to be. I can hold a baby again. I am able to be happy with a baby. I can play with, feed and change another child. My mom said the same thing... "The more time I spend with Ivy the better it gets." Children are so unique. Ivy is the same size as Olivia but she is a mover. Olivia rolled over a few times but Ivy rolls and rolls and rolls. Olivia loved to talk and squawk... but Ivy is pretty quite.
As the years go on I know that it will be hard. Ivy and Olivia would have started school the same year- they would have graduated from high school the same year. I will always see Ivy and wonder- what would Olivia be like now. But it is okay. I know that they would have been their own people. They would have done those things in their own way.
Today we also stopped by Olivia grave. We didn't go out of our way... it was more... I couldn't go that way and not stop. We weren't there long. I don't feel like she is there. She is here- whenever I need her to be. All I need to do is look up to the sky... and she is here. I need to go to the cemetery every once in awhile just to make sure it looks nice. And today I saw that they laid the cement for her headstone. I am going to finalize the design tomorrow. I am ready for everyone to know that a little girl lays there- my little girl. Who was so unique that even when I have more children will never be replaced.
As the years go on I know that it will be hard. Ivy and Olivia would have started school the same year- they would have graduated from high school the same year. I will always see Ivy and wonder- what would Olivia be like now. But it is okay. I know that they would have been their own people. They would have done those things in their own way.
Today we also stopped by Olivia grave. We didn't go out of our way... it was more... I couldn't go that way and not stop. We weren't there long. I don't feel like she is there. She is here- whenever I need her to be. All I need to do is look up to the sky... and she is here. I need to go to the cemetery every once in awhile just to make sure it looks nice. And today I saw that they laid the cement for her headstone. I am going to finalize the design tomorrow. I am ready for everyone to know that a little girl lays there- my little girl. Who was so unique that even when I have more children will never be replaced.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
This song reminds me of my friends...
This past weekend I spent the weekend in Michigan visiting my "MI friends." My "MI friends" are my sorority sisters, their husbands. I was very nervous about it. So many of them have new babies and I just didn't know if it would be the same. Would I be okay meeting their kids? Would we still be able to hang out and have as much fun as before? I was so excited to go visit but I cried the whole way. See... I should have been taking my baby there... I should have been introducing her to all them.
Well... I don't know what I was so worried about it. My "MI friends" are the type of friends that people call forever friends. They have always been there for me... through the good and the bad of college, through the stress and happiness of getting married, through pregnancy and especially now. There is something about friends like them... they seem to know more about what I need when then I do. From the day after when Jade, Erika, Erica and Stefan came here to make sure we ate dinner, help me choose what to wear and help Nick by a suit coat. To this weekend when Nyx so thoughtfully decided that I could meet Ellie, her 4 month old, next time I visited Michigan. The whole way along my friends have known what to do to make me feel better... even when I didn't know what to ask.
To all my friends (not just the MI ones)... this song really reminds me of you. I know you would do all those things... and so much more. Thank you so much for all you have done. You are all truly special to me. And just so you know... I would be heartbroken if I ever had to... but if you were in the same spot someday... I will do all those things for you.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sorry for my lack of writing...
Sorry I took a break from writing. I know that everyone wants to know how we are doing. We are living up with the name of the blog... just taking it day by day. Nick is gone now Monday through Friday. I am working a lot more lately and trying to keep everything up with the house keeps me busy at night. Lately, I have been getting the question "are you trying for a second baby?"
I am ready to let everyone know that yes... Nick and I would like to have a family again. We want more children. I miss everything about being a mom... well... maybe not waking up at 3 am or breastfeeding. :) But I have reservations about actually becoming a mom again. First, the pregnancy will be much more stressful this time. There will be more tests and more worrying. Also, while I think that having another baby will help with some aspects of missing Olivia, it won't make loosing her okay. And it might make some things more difficult. Before you have a child you wonder about what kind of parent you will be but you have some faith that everything will be okay. Loosing Olivia shattered that for me.
I was super scared of SIDS with Olivia. It took a little bit but eventually I was able to sleep when she was sleeping. I am not sure about that with another child. How will I ever be able to sleep? Also, there will be the day when our second child gets sick... will I be able to handle that? I am not sure I can handle taking another child to the ER.
I know that these fears will always be there and I am not willing to give up my family because of them. Nick and I will just have to find someway to work through them. For now, just know that we do want a family and we are grateful that we continue to be in your thoughts and prayers.
I am ready to let everyone know that yes... Nick and I would like to have a family again. We want more children. I miss everything about being a mom... well... maybe not waking up at 3 am or breastfeeding. :) But I have reservations about actually becoming a mom again. First, the pregnancy will be much more stressful this time. There will be more tests and more worrying. Also, while I think that having another baby will help with some aspects of missing Olivia, it won't make loosing her okay. And it might make some things more difficult. Before you have a child you wonder about what kind of parent you will be but you have some faith that everything will be okay. Loosing Olivia shattered that for me.
I was super scared of SIDS with Olivia. It took a little bit but eventually I was able to sleep when she was sleeping. I am not sure about that with another child. How will I ever be able to sleep? Also, there will be the day when our second child gets sick... will I be able to handle that? I am not sure I can handle taking another child to the ER.
I know that these fears will always be there and I am not willing to give up my family because of them. Nick and I will just have to find someway to work through them. For now, just know that we do want a family and we are grateful that we continue to be in your thoughts and prayers.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Just need to get through the next four days.
I always have a difficult time when the middle of the month comes along but this month is especially difficult. I knew these days were coming up but even though I knew they were approaching... the next four days are going to be rough.
Tomorrow... Olivia would have been 8 months old. I wonder what she would be doing. She would probably crawling. What about standing on her pudgy little legs? Would she have liked the jumping horse my mom got her? What about food? Would she have liked peas and carrots?
Friday... 4 months since she died. 4 months and we still don't know what happened! The coroner called this week just to let me know that they are waiting on a report from Children's Hospital. I know that the doctors at Children's Hospital are busy but do they know how awfully heartbreaking it is to not know? Please hurry up. I pray everyday that we will find out soon. I just want to know.
Saturday... the first day when Olivia will be gone longer then she was here... 4 months and 2 days since she died. It is so weird to me that I only knew her for such a short time. A very good friend of mine married someone that she had only known a few months and at the time I thought she was crazy... but I understand now. It doesn't matter how long you know someone- if you love them- you love them.
And Sunday... Father's Day. A very odd day. Nick's first Father's Day... but we have no baby to take to the Brewer's Game. No baby to take for a walk or to celebrate with. I tried to pick out a card for him but there was nothing that said the right thing. I suppose that someday I won't hate Mother's Day and Father's Day so much... but right now it seems like the stupidest holiday. Why have a specific day to celebrate something that only brings pain for so many?
So that is what the next few days hold. I know there will be lots of days like this... many "Olivia would have been x today." Many more years of wondering what she would be doing now. I do find some comfort in knowing that nothing can be as bad as it was. Nothing can be worse then February 17th. While others might wonder what life has in store for them, I no longer worry about it. The only way I can get out of bed everyday is because I know I have lived though the worst day of my life. And since it didn't kill me, that can only mean that now I am stronger.
Tomorrow... Olivia would have been 8 months old. I wonder what she would be doing. She would probably crawling. What about standing on her pudgy little legs? Would she have liked the jumping horse my mom got her? What about food? Would she have liked peas and carrots?
Friday... 4 months since she died. 4 months and we still don't know what happened! The coroner called this week just to let me know that they are waiting on a report from Children's Hospital. I know that the doctors at Children's Hospital are busy but do they know how awfully heartbreaking it is to not know? Please hurry up. I pray everyday that we will find out soon. I just want to know.
Saturday... the first day when Olivia will be gone longer then she was here... 4 months and 2 days since she died. It is so weird to me that I only knew her for such a short time. A very good friend of mine married someone that she had only known a few months and at the time I thought she was crazy... but I understand now. It doesn't matter how long you know someone- if you love them- you love them.
And Sunday... Father's Day. A very odd day. Nick's first Father's Day... but we have no baby to take to the Brewer's Game. No baby to take for a walk or to celebrate with. I tried to pick out a card for him but there was nothing that said the right thing. I suppose that someday I won't hate Mother's Day and Father's Day so much... but right now it seems like the stupidest holiday. Why have a specific day to celebrate something that only brings pain for so many?
So that is what the next few days hold. I know there will be lots of days like this... many "Olivia would have been x today." Many more years of wondering what she would be doing now. I do find some comfort in knowing that nothing can be as bad as it was. Nothing can be worse then February 17th. While others might wonder what life has in store for them, I no longer worry about it. The only way I can get out of bed everyday is because I know I have lived though the worst day of my life. And since it didn't kill me, that can only mean that now I am stronger.
Monday, June 13, 2011
I miss my husband.
This summer Nick is going to the police academy in Platville, WI- about 2.5 hours away. He has an apartment there and only comes home on the weekends. I am happy for him and while it is only Monday thru Friday- it sucks. I miss him. I do not like being alone.
Don't get me wrong... I am busy. Work has been busy lately and it isn't easy keeping up with cutting the grass, "training" for a 5 k, going to Zumba and trying to keep the house clean. It is just that as nice as everyone is, Nick is the only one who really knows. He understands. I miss that. I miss being able to tell someone- I still miss her. I miss being able to talk to him about her. Everyone tries to understand and "put themselves in my shoes" but Nick is the only one who does understand. He is the only person walking in the same shoes as me.
I know that we have been strong enough to make it though deployments before so I am sure that we make it through this. It is just seems more difficult now. Luckily, it is only a few weeks... the summer always goes fast and it will be Labor Day before I know it.
Don't get me wrong... I am busy. Work has been busy lately and it isn't easy keeping up with cutting the grass, "training" for a 5 k, going to Zumba and trying to keep the house clean. It is just that as nice as everyone is, Nick is the only one who really knows. He understands. I miss that. I miss being able to tell someone- I still miss her. I miss being able to talk to him about her. Everyone tries to understand and "put themselves in my shoes" but Nick is the only one who does understand. He is the only person walking in the same shoes as me.
I know that we have been strong enough to make it though deployments before so I am sure that we make it through this. It is just seems more difficult now. Luckily, it is only a few weeks... the summer always goes fast and it will be Labor Day before I know it.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Mixed emotion
I have not been writing as much lately. It is not because I don't have anything left to say... I have just been very busy at work lately and the thought of getting on the computer when I get home does not sound like fun. So now there is so much to write about but today I want to just tell you why my feelings lately are so confusing and conflicting. I feel that I am being pulled in two different directions. Let me explain.
Last week my niece Ivy turned 4 months and 2 days old and a few days later share was 16 weeks 6 days old. That is older then Olivia. Olivia was 4 months 1 day or 16 weeks 5 days. Ivy was not supposed to get older then Olivia. In some ways that makes me so sad but at the same time I am happy. I am happy to see Ivy grow up and am excited to see her laugh and smile- a task she just learned how to "on demand." I am just sad that I will never see Olivia laugh again. I miss her laugh so much. How can one thing make you both so happy and yet sad at the same time?
Sometimes, I find myself so jealous of my sister and my friends. Everyone else's baby's are gowning up... and mine never will. It is so hard to not be jealous. At other times, that doesn't always make sense to me either. At times, I feel that being jealous of them is so selfish. Some of my very good friends are struggling so hard to just get pregnant and others have had so many complications with pregnancies that they will never know the joy of having a baby. I guess I should be grateful and most of the time I am. Most of the time I really am... but other times I am not. Other times I am just plain ... angry; just plain sad. I feel like a kid that was given candy and then had ripped from their sticky hands. I don't understand... why let me know the joy of motherhood and then take it away? Which is worse- never knowing- or knowing what you lost? Is it really better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all?
I have read enough about grief that I know all these feelings are normal. Grief is not linear and I will go back and fourth. I know that eventually I won't have such a roller coaster of emotion. Eventually, I will make it through a week without having that punched in the stomach.feeling. One day, I will make it through a week without thinking "oh my God, this really happened." Until then... I guess I will just have to keep writing because it really does help. Thanks to all of you for reading.
Last week my niece Ivy turned 4 months and 2 days old and a few days later share was 16 weeks 6 days old. That is older then Olivia. Olivia was 4 months 1 day or 16 weeks 5 days. Ivy was not supposed to get older then Olivia. In some ways that makes me so sad but at the same time I am happy. I am happy to see Ivy grow up and am excited to see her laugh and smile- a task she just learned how to "on demand." I am just sad that I will never see Olivia laugh again. I miss her laugh so much. How can one thing make you both so happy and yet sad at the same time?
Sometimes, I find myself so jealous of my sister and my friends. Everyone else's baby's are gowning up... and mine never will. It is so hard to not be jealous. At other times, that doesn't always make sense to me either. At times, I feel that being jealous of them is so selfish. Some of my very good friends are struggling so hard to just get pregnant and others have had so many complications with pregnancies that they will never know the joy of having a baby. I guess I should be grateful and most of the time I am. Most of the time I really am... but other times I am not. Other times I am just plain ... angry; just plain sad. I feel like a kid that was given candy and then had ripped from their sticky hands. I don't understand... why let me know the joy of motherhood and then take it away? Which is worse- never knowing- or knowing what you lost? Is it really better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all?
I have read enough about grief that I know all these feelings are normal. Grief is not linear and I will go back and fourth. I know that eventually I won't have such a roller coaster of emotion. Eventually, I will make it through a week without having that punched in the stomach.feeling. One day, I will make it through a week without thinking "oh my God, this really happened." Until then... I guess I will just have to keep writing because it really does help. Thanks to all of you for reading.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Heaven Is For Real
It is obvious that I have been thinking more about heaven lately. Nick's cousin, Sarah-Beth, sent me a book "Heaven Is For Real." (Thanks Sarah-Beth!) The book is about a little boys experience when he visited heaven during an emergency surgery. It is supposibly a true story. At first, I had a difficult time reading it. Nick and I are not really that religious and it is somewhat far feached... I mean... he had an out of body experience where he went to Heaven, met his miscarried sister, his grandpa and sat in Jesus' lap?
But I kept reading thinking that there must be some reason she sent this. I must be able to find some kind of hope in a book that has comforted millions. So I read on...luckily... it is fairly short and easy reading.
And the best part came at the very end. It took them a few years to get the entire story from him and even longer for them to write the book and find a publisher. So when they had done all that and were finally coming up with a name for the book, they asked him what he wanted people to know about his trip to heaven. He said "that Heaven is for real."
It is one of the last lines in the book and it hit me. This was the thing I was looking for. Funny that it is the title of the book but it took me the whole thing to figure it out. Whether or not I believe all the stuff in the middle, that is what I needed to take away from it. That heaven is for real and that Olivia is there. While I hope that I have quite a long time here, I know that when it comes to my last days here I will not be scared or fearful the way I might have been before. I will know that I am getting ready to see my little girl again and I will have an extra special angel waiting for me.
But I kept reading thinking that there must be some reason she sent this. I must be able to find some kind of hope in a book that has comforted millions. So I read on...luckily... it is fairly short and easy reading.
And the best part came at the very end. It took them a few years to get the entire story from him and even longer for them to write the book and find a publisher. So when they had done all that and were finally coming up with a name for the book, they asked him what he wanted people to know about his trip to heaven. He said "that Heaven is for real."
It is one of the last lines in the book and it hit me. This was the thing I was looking for. Funny that it is the title of the book but it took me the whole thing to figure it out. Whether or not I believe all the stuff in the middle, that is what I needed to take away from it. That heaven is for real and that Olivia is there. While I hope that I have quite a long time here, I know that when it comes to my last days here I will not be scared or fearful the way I might have been before. I will know that I am getting ready to see my little girl again and I will have an extra special angel waiting for me.
Monday, May 23, 2011
7 months old... and 3 months gone
I have been so busy lately so it will take me a few days catch up with what has been happening lately. Work has been busy and over the weekend we went to Duluth and Eau Claire to visit Nick's family and high school friends. It was nice to see everyone and I will post about it this week but today I want to share something that I have learned about grief.
Sometimes, grief is no different then being sick. You know those days when you feel like you are starting to get sick and you just push through with the idea that "it's not a big deal" and then you end up really sick. Then at that point all you can do is wish that you would have taken the time for yourself when you needed it. That happened to me last week.
I had a fairly busy weekend getting ready for a work function and getting ready for vacation. I knew that I was hurting but I but those feelings on the back burner and tried to push through. It was a horrible plan. By the time I got home on Tuesday night I couldn't stop crying. I had not taken the time I needed for myself and it had caught up to me... I tried to push through but the date had caught up to me. On Monday, May 16th, Olivia would have been 7 months old and on Tuesday, May 17th it was 3 months since she left us.
Luckily, I have Nick and he just held me and let me cry. It was then that I realized that trying to push through is not the way to get through this. I need to let myself miss my baby. It has been 3 months but sometimes it feels like it was yesterday... and that is okay. I think it would be worse if there were days when I didn't miss her so much. And honestly... I felt so much better on Wednesday morning.
Sometimes, grief is no different then being sick. You know those days when you feel like you are starting to get sick and you just push through with the idea that "it's not a big deal" and then you end up really sick. Then at that point all you can do is wish that you would have taken the time for yourself when you needed it. That happened to me last week.
I had a fairly busy weekend getting ready for a work function and getting ready for vacation. I knew that I was hurting but I but those feelings on the back burner and tried to push through. It was a horrible plan. By the time I got home on Tuesday night I couldn't stop crying. I had not taken the time I needed for myself and it had caught up to me... I tried to push through but the date had caught up to me. On Monday, May 16th, Olivia would have been 7 months old and on Tuesday, May 17th it was 3 months since she left us.
Luckily, I have Nick and he just held me and let me cry. It was then that I realized that trying to push through is not the way to get through this. I need to let myself miss my baby. It has been 3 months but sometimes it feels like it was yesterday... and that is okay. I think it would be worse if there were days when I didn't miss her so much. And honestly... I felt so much better on Wednesday morning.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Thanks for the talk Lindsey... I am no longer avoiding my friends
Last week I wrote about how I felt like I was avoiding some of my nearest and dearest friends. On Friday, I decided to "bite the bullet" and call my friend Lindsey. She had a "little" boy in March. It wasn't bad at all. I really enjoyed talking to her and it made me realize that no matter what these girls are my friends. There is no reason to avoid them. In thinking about it now, we have been friends for almost 10 years. We have seen each other through so many things. Some have been joyful- graduations, engagements, weddings and some have been more painful- the loss of a close family member, fights or breakups and now the loss of a child. Many of them are mothers and they all understand that I am not "over it." Lindsey didn't even bring up Henry until I asked about him. Talking to Lindsey reminded me that while they don't understand how it feels to loose a child, that isn't all that Olivia taught me. I can still relate to the joy of the first time a baby sleeps through the night. I still understand the hardships of breastfeeding. I know the pain, joy and fear of delivery.
Thanks Lindsey... thanks for the good talk. I needed to be reminded that we will always have things that we don't fully understand about each others hardships... but that doesn't mean we don't have anything in common. We have 10 years behind us; 10 years of stories, memories and things we have in common.
Thanks Lindsey... thanks for the good talk. I needed to be reminded that we will always have things that we don't fully understand about each others hardships... but that doesn't mean we don't have anything in common. We have 10 years behind us; 10 years of stories, memories and things we have in common.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Happy Mother's Day
A little over a week ago someone came up to me in my work cafe and asked me very happily "so how are you enjoying motherhood." I hate telling people who don't know. It is so hard to say "thank you for asking but my daughter died in February."
That day, I fumbled over my word and i honestly have no clue what I eventually spit out. If I could go back I would tell him that motherhood is very much the best thing that ever happened to me. Even though I now have a aching in my heart, I loved being a mom. Unfortunately, on some days, I almost forget that I actually am a mom. I have the stretchmarks, pregnancy stories and have been through labor and delivery but I don't have a baby at home to take care of. I know the "other side" of motherhood. I know what it is like to come home from the hospital with a baby... and I know what it is like to come home with an empty carseat.
With all the pain that motherhood has brought me it also brought me much joy. I am happy to have had Olivia in my life. On Sunday, Nick and I took a bike ride. It was fun and got my mind off the fact that I was celebrating my first Mother's Day without Olivia. I know that just like Easter, there will be many more "first" holidays that I celebrate without Olivia... and then there will be the ones that I did celebrate with her. It is the new normal that I get a little more used to each day.
I might not have been able to say it on Sunday and for that I apologise... but to my mom, my grandmas, my sister and to all my friends... Happy Mother's Day.
That day, I fumbled over my word and i honestly have no clue what I eventually spit out. If I could go back I would tell him that motherhood is very much the best thing that ever happened to me. Even though I now have a aching in my heart, I loved being a mom. Unfortunately, on some days, I almost forget that I actually am a mom. I have the stretchmarks, pregnancy stories and have been through labor and delivery but I don't have a baby at home to take care of. I know the "other side" of motherhood. I know what it is like to come home from the hospital with a baby... and I know what it is like to come home with an empty carseat.
With all the pain that motherhood has brought me it also brought me much joy. I am happy to have had Olivia in my life. On Sunday, Nick and I took a bike ride. It was fun and got my mind off the fact that I was celebrating my first Mother's Day without Olivia. I know that just like Easter, there will be many more "first" holidays that I celebrate without Olivia... and then there will be the ones that I did celebrate with her. It is the new normal that I get a little more used to each day.
I might not have been able to say it on Sunday and for that I apologise... but to my mom, my grandmas, my sister and to all my friends... Happy Mother's Day.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Avoiding friends and "what now" moments
It has been bothering me lately that I have been pretty lax about getting to Michigan this summer to visit my friends. For those of you who don’t know I have no less than 15 friends or acquaintances who have had babies since the first of the year. I hate not being able to share with them. I hate that I don’t really want to talk to them and I really hate that I don’t want to visit. I just can’t. I want to- I really want to be a good friend especially since some have stepped up so much during the past few months. But the thought of going and being bombarded by babies gives me a headache. I just can’t. I hope that I will be able to soon… but I have a feeling that I am going to have to ease back into this part of my life. I used to have so many things in common with everyone and the fact that I can’t share in their joy of motherhood kills me.
Which brings me to my “now what” revelation. Nick and I have been going to counseling and I think that has helped us understand where each person is in their own grieving. Now it is time to find other people who have been through this. I need someone else in my life who knows that this pain will never go away. It will ease and I will be able to breathe. We will go on and have more children and then everything will be good. But no matter how good it ever gets… I will always carry with me a certain amount of pain.
Which brings me to my “now what” revelation. Nick and I have been going to counseling and I think that has helped us understand where each person is in their own grieving. Now it is time to find other people who have been through this. I need someone else in my life who knows that this pain will never go away. It will ease and I will be able to breathe. We will go on and have more children and then everything will be good. But no matter how good it ever gets… I will always carry with me a certain amount of pain.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Another sign
Well... it has been awhile. Our Internet has been working on again/ off again this week so will see if I will be able to make it through.
Laura and I did a Race 4 Life Hunt this past weekend in Wausau. It was really fun. About 20 teams of 5 competed in the race. At 1 pm we were given our list. There activities that you got points for (take a picture of your team on a bleacher, find someone to tell you how they met, pump gas for a stranger, ect) and then a scavenger list of items to find (periwinkle crayon, mickey mouse ears, ect). We also had 7 places to go to do an activity and get a card for our poker hand. So Laura, me and some of her work friends were chasing around Wausau trying to get as many points as we can. One thing on the scavenger hunt list was a rubbing from a gravestone. We were going through town and saw a tiny monument place. We pulled in and out of the 10 stones they had engraved one was a very large pink stone with "Olivia" across it. At first Laura and I were a bit thrown and sad but later we talked about how weird it was. I know that she was giving us a sign. Just letting us know that she was there watching over us.
Laura and I did a Race 4 Life Hunt this past weekend in Wausau. It was really fun. About 20 teams of 5 competed in the race. At 1 pm we were given our list. There activities that you got points for (take a picture of your team on a bleacher, find someone to tell you how they met, pump gas for a stranger, ect) and then a scavenger list of items to find (periwinkle crayon, mickey mouse ears, ect). We also had 7 places to go to do an activity and get a card for our poker hand. So Laura, me and some of her work friends were chasing around Wausau trying to get as many points as we can. One thing on the scavenger hunt list was a rubbing from a gravestone. We were going through town and saw a tiny monument place. We pulled in and out of the 10 stones they had engraved one was a very large pink stone with "Olivia" across it. At first Laura and I were a bit thrown and sad but later we talked about how weird it was. I know that she was giving us a sign. Just letting us know that she was there watching over us.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Kids make holiday's special
Yesterday my mom, dad and grandma came down to help us with some yard work. We worked all day. Moving plants, planting plants, weeding, filling in some areas with top soil, and reseeding some areas. We also took out a strip of sod for Olivia's grave. My mom took it there today. It is nice to think that she will always have a little piece of home close.
So Easter this year is pretty lame day. This year it is no different then any other day. Except all the stores are closed and there were no coupons in the paper today. You know... kids make things special. If Olivia was here we would have dressed her up, went to church and probably had my parents down for a big dinner. We would have made a big deal about getting her a new dress and I would have made her a basket with lots of Reese's eggs for dad. I would have set up up and would have dyed eggs with her. None of these things would have mattered to her but it would have made things special for me. I didn't do any of that this year.
I know that this year holidays are going to be hard. I had so much fun dressing Olivia up for Halloween. I don't think that it will be that way this year. I love Christmas and I am really not looking forward to it. Shopping the day after Christmas is my favorite holiday tradition and this past year we took Olivia out. I bought a small tree and special ornaments and decorations for Olivia's room. I will never be able to put up that tree for her. What about her stocking? Do I put it up next year?
Ah... anyway I guess I don't have to decide all that right now. For now I will work on getting through today, Easter Sunday, without my little one.
So Easter this year is pretty lame day. This year it is no different then any other day. Except all the stores are closed and there were no coupons in the paper today. You know... kids make things special. If Olivia was here we would have dressed her up, went to church and probably had my parents down for a big dinner. We would have made a big deal about getting her a new dress and I would have made her a basket with lots of Reese's eggs for dad. I would have set up up and would have dyed eggs with her. None of these things would have mattered to her but it would have made things special for me. I didn't do any of that this year.
I know that this year holidays are going to be hard. I had so much fun dressing Olivia up for Halloween. I don't think that it will be that way this year. I love Christmas and I am really not looking forward to it. Shopping the day after Christmas is my favorite holiday tradition and this past year we took Olivia out. I bought a small tree and special ornaments and decorations for Olivia's room. I will never be able to put up that tree for her. What about her stocking? Do I put it up next year?
Ah... anyway I guess I don't have to decide all that right now. For now I will work on getting through today, Easter Sunday, without my little one.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
How Olivia shows me she is here...
Olivia comes to me in so many different ways. One way is through the sunshine. Every time I see the sun shine through the clouds like this it reminds me that she is there.
Last week, I was driving home from a rough day at work and was just down in the dumps. A cardinal flew in front of the car so quickly that I just barely make it out. Without thinking I said "hello Olivia" and started smiling. On Sunday, on a whim I bought a Easter Lily. When I got home I realized that while all the plants there only had one stem, the one I grabbed had two. Now, the plant is blooming more beautifully then any Easter Lily I ever had before.
Finally, a few weeks ago I was getting scared that I was forgetting her. I can't remember her as clearly as before and I understand that this will happen. That eventually the time since I last held her will be so long that I won't remember everything as vividly. I had a hard time getting to sleep that night but in the morning I woke up from a dream and I could have sworn that I had just held her. My arms remembered her weight and the way that she liked to be held. I know that she came to me that night to show me that even if I don't remember things as vividly, there is a part of me that will never, can never, forget.
I like to think that all these little things are my little girl's way of showing me that she is still here. She is watching over us making sure that we remember her in a good way. That we remember her with a smile. While I will never be able to think about her and not feel somewhat sad it isn't the painful punch in the stomach that it once was. Healing is hard but I know that she will always be with us and she will come to me when I need her most.
Last week, I was driving home from a rough day at work and was just down in the dumps. A cardinal flew in front of the car so quickly that I just barely make it out. Without thinking I said "hello Olivia" and started smiling. On Sunday, on a whim I bought a Easter Lily. When I got home I realized that while all the plants there only had one stem, the one I grabbed had two. Now, the plant is blooming more beautifully then any Easter Lily I ever had before.
Finally, a few weeks ago I was getting scared that I was forgetting her. I can't remember her as clearly as before and I understand that this will happen. That eventually the time since I last held her will be so long that I won't remember everything as vividly. I had a hard time getting to sleep that night but in the morning I woke up from a dream and I could have sworn that I had just held her. My arms remembered her weight and the way that she liked to be held. I know that she came to me that night to show me that even if I don't remember things as vividly, there is a part of me that will never, can never, forget.
I like to think that all these little things are my little girl's way of showing me that she is still here. She is watching over us making sure that we remember her in a good way. That we remember her with a smile. While I will never be able to think about her and not feel somewhat sad it isn't the painful punch in the stomach that it once was. Healing is hard but I know that she will always be with us and she will come to me when I need her most.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
6 months
Today would have been Olivia's 6 month birthday. We would be feeding her solids and she would be sitting up on her own.
We went to Walgreen's today and their was a sign up for pictures with the Easter Bunny. I wish we could take her to pictures with the Easter Bunny and get her a beautiful Easter dress. She was so cute in her Christmas dress... well she was so cute in Ruby's Christmas dress.
Today I miss my little girl. I miss who she would have been today.
We went to Walgreen's today and their was a sign up for pictures with the Easter Bunny. I wish we could take her to pictures with the Easter Bunny and get her a beautiful Easter dress. She was so cute in her Christmas dress... well she was so cute in Ruby's Christmas dress.
Today I miss my little girl. I miss who she would have been today.
Friday, April 15, 2011
I made a doctor appointment...
This week I made an appointment at a new doctor to get checked to see how I am healing from the pregnancy and c-section. I want to have a family again- probably sooner rather then later so I need to get checked to see what that means. I have a lot of questions for this new doctor. The way I see it this first "family planning" appointment is an interview. I want to know everything this time. I am also going to do a lot more research about the hospital and the pediatricians they have on call. We choose this doctor from a recommendation from a friend of ours who had some complications of her own. I need someone who is willing to go the extra mile to make sure I am taken care of. That is so not my last doctor.
I can't say that I really disliked her until delivery day but even before that I was loosing confidence in her. She didn't really answer the questions I had well enough but I thought that everything would be okay. Maybe I should have asked more questions when Olivia was measuring so far behind and then ended up being 10 lb 10 oz? But really... I don't think that I could have asked enough questions. And then their was the labor and delivery. It just wasn't a good experience, it was pretty bad actually and after that I had no confidence in her at all. Finally, when Olivia died I called to ask her if there was anything I could do to stop my milk production... she couldn't have been more heartless during that conversation. I will be happy not to see her again.
Anyway... I want to be more then prepared next time around. I was fairly laid back during my first pregnancy but I don't think I will be that way next time. I know I am going to be that mom who takes her child to the doctor for everything. That's okay I guess. In my opinion, I am justified and I am sure that I will find a doctor that understands that. I used to have a general feeling that doctors were well educated and I should let them do their job. Loosing Olivia changed that. While I can't blame what happened on one person, I do think that in general modern medicine failed me. Next time around I will ask a 101 questions. Even if it does nothing more then make me feel better.
I can't say that I really disliked her until delivery day but even before that I was loosing confidence in her. She didn't really answer the questions I had well enough but I thought that everything would be okay. Maybe I should have asked more questions when Olivia was measuring so far behind and then ended up being 10 lb 10 oz? But really... I don't think that I could have asked enough questions. And then their was the labor and delivery. It just wasn't a good experience, it was pretty bad actually and after that I had no confidence in her at all. Finally, when Olivia died I called to ask her if there was anything I could do to stop my milk production... she couldn't have been more heartless during that conversation. I will be happy not to see her again.
Anyway... I want to be more then prepared next time around. I was fairly laid back during my first pregnancy but I don't think I will be that way next time. I know I am going to be that mom who takes her child to the doctor for everything. That's okay I guess. In my opinion, I am justified and I am sure that I will find a doctor that understands that. I used to have a general feeling that doctors were well educated and I should let them do their job. Loosing Olivia changed that. While I can't blame what happened on one person, I do think that in general modern medicine failed me. Next time around I will ask a 101 questions. Even if it does nothing more then make me feel better.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Preliminary results
So on Thursday Nick called the coroner. It looks like it is going to be another month or two before we get all the results back but he was able to tell us that Olivia had a double ear infection. No surprise there. What was surprising to find out is that she was born without a gallbladder.
I researched that online and it looks like an agenesis gallbladder is fairly common. About 1 in 1000. The more uncommon part is that is 70% of those cases present with no other symptoms or problems. In the other 30% a child with an agenseis gallbladder can have other problems... one being a ventricular septal defect. VSD is a type of congenital heart defect. It is a hole between the ventricles of the heart.
So... that is what we know so far. I know that a lot of that is just what I found online and we need to wait for all the results to come back but it is so hard to not think about the what ifs and why not. Why didn't they see this on my ultrasounds? How come they didn't hear a heart murmur? Why didn't they check her heart when she couldn't keep her pulse ox up?
Would it have made a difference? Would things be different now? Or would we have just spent months in the hospital just to have the same outcome?
I will never know the answers to those questions. What I do know is that no matter what... I still miss my baby just as bad. Learning what happened doesn't make loosing her any easier.
I researched that online and it looks like an agenesis gallbladder is fairly common. About 1 in 1000. The more uncommon part is that is 70% of those cases present with no other symptoms or problems. In the other 30% a child with an agenseis gallbladder can have other problems... one being a ventricular septal defect. VSD is a type of congenital heart defect. It is a hole between the ventricles of the heart.
So... that is what we know so far. I know that a lot of that is just what I found online and we need to wait for all the results to come back but it is so hard to not think about the what ifs and why not. Why didn't they see this on my ultrasounds? How come they didn't hear a heart murmur? Why didn't they check her heart when she couldn't keep her pulse ox up?
Would it have made a difference? Would things be different now? Or would we have just spent months in the hospital just to have the same outcome?
I will never know the answers to those questions. What I do know is that no matter what... I still miss my baby just as bad. Learning what happened doesn't make loosing her any easier.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Telling someone new
Yesterday was the first time I had to tell someone new about Olivia. I have had to talk to people who didn't know that Olivia died but this was the first time I told someone that I too had a baby in October... but that my little girl died in February.
Her is how it happened. We have a few new people at work and they were in town for training. I didn't go out to dinner with them when they were here 3 weeks ago. At that time, I wasn't up for socializing but this time I thought okay... I should go. At dinner Brian was talking about his son who is 5 1/2 months old. I kept thinking that his son was the same age that Olivia would be. Finally, I gathered up enough courage to ask him when his son was born and he said, "October 13th."
I thought about it and I said, "my daughter Olivia was born on October 16th." He got really excited and asked if I had any pictures of her with me. I said "I do... but Olivia died in February." After that I don't remember much of the conversation. He teared up and said he was so sorry. I said it was okay. He asked if it was SIDS and I said no... but we don't know what it was just yet. He said something about how strong I am and that he was glad that I told him about Olivia.
How could I not tell him? If I had not told him then it would be like me forgetting about her. I know that this will come up often. You don't realize how much children monopolize everyday conversations. It is natural when you are meeting someone new to ask if they have any children. I will always cringe when answering that question. What do I say? Right now, yes, I did. Or later... do I include Olivia in the count? I am sure that someday I will figure it out. For now, I am glad that I told Brian about Olivia. And really... it went well. After telling him about Olivia he opened up to me about some hardships that him and his wife went through. It was a difficult conversation but it was good to talk about her.
Her is how it happened. We have a few new people at work and they were in town for training. I didn't go out to dinner with them when they were here 3 weeks ago. At that time, I wasn't up for socializing but this time I thought okay... I should go. At dinner Brian was talking about his son who is 5 1/2 months old. I kept thinking that his son was the same age that Olivia would be. Finally, I gathered up enough courage to ask him when his son was born and he said, "October 13th."
I thought about it and I said, "my daughter Olivia was born on October 16th." He got really excited and asked if I had any pictures of her with me. I said "I do... but Olivia died in February." After that I don't remember much of the conversation. He teared up and said he was so sorry. I said it was okay. He asked if it was SIDS and I said no... but we don't know what it was just yet. He said something about how strong I am and that he was glad that I told him about Olivia.
How could I not tell him? If I had not told him then it would be like me forgetting about her. I know that this will come up often. You don't realize how much children monopolize everyday conversations. It is natural when you are meeting someone new to ask if they have any children. I will always cringe when answering that question. What do I say? Right now, yes, I did. Or later... do I include Olivia in the count? I am sure that someday I will figure it out. For now, I am glad that I told Brian about Olivia. And really... it went well. After telling him about Olivia he opened up to me about some hardships that him and his wife went through. It was a difficult conversation but it was good to talk about her.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Today I got a call from Buy Buy Baby...
Apparently it is getting close to Olivia's 6 month milestone and we should make an appointment to get her pictures taken. I know that from time to time we will get these call and maybe someday it won't bother me so much but today it really sucked. I was unprepared and quickly answered my phone wondering who the heck would call me on my cell in the middle of the day. I didn't say anything... I just hung up and when they called back I let it go to voicemail.
I feel bad for just hanging up but I truly didn't know what to say. "I am sorry but you are mistaken... my baby died when she was 4 months and one day old. We won't need to schedule a 6 month appointment" No, that doesn't seem right. To tell the story of Olivia to someone who was just making a routine sales call just seems mean. I can hear the sorrow in a person's voice when I tell them about her.
So... I know that someday I will know how to answer these calls. Someday I won't hurt so bad when I hear the sorrow in someone else's voice when I tell them about Olivia. Someday, I will find a way to tell my new friends, co-workers, and acquaintances about my first born.
But, until then, until I am ready, I won't be answering "unknown" calls anymore.
I feel bad for just hanging up but I truly didn't know what to say. "I am sorry but you are mistaken... my baby died when she was 4 months and one day old. We won't need to schedule a 6 month appointment" No, that doesn't seem right. To tell the story of Olivia to someone who was just making a routine sales call just seems mean. I can hear the sorrow in a person's voice when I tell them about her.
So... I know that someday I will know how to answer these calls. Someday I won't hurt so bad when I hear the sorrow in someone else's voice when I tell them about Olivia. Someday, I will find a way to tell my new friends, co-workers, and acquaintances about my first born.
But, until then, until I am ready, I won't be answering "unknown" calls anymore.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
God needed one little angel...
Brand New Wings by Peter Brandon is the song we played at Olivia's funeral and it really means a lot to Nick and I. The Saturday after she died we were sitting on our couch searching for a song. It didn't take even 30 seconds of playing this one that I knew. We found it on YouTube but we couldn't find it anywhere else. Finally, my sister e-mailed the artist and he sent it to us to use.
I have not listened since the funeral but I know the words as well as the songs that I hear on the radio every day. It plays in my head at least 2-3 times a day. I listened to it this morning because we picked out Olivia's headstone yesterday there will be a line from the song on it.
"God needed one little angel and you were his top candidate."
Everyone always wonders "why?" and that is the only reason that I can come up with. That for some reason God chose her.
I thought of the song whole time we were at Miller Monuments yesterday. We chose blue silk granite. It is a beautiful purple stone that is so unique. They will do three designs for us. It should take 2 weeks to get the designs back and then once we choose the shape, they will order the stone. Hopefully, her stone will be in place by August or September.
I have not listened since the funeral but I know the words as well as the songs that I hear on the radio every day. It plays in my head at least 2-3 times a day. I listened to it this morning because we picked out Olivia's headstone yesterday there will be a line from the song on it.
"God needed one little angel and you were his top candidate."
Everyone always wonders "why?" and that is the only reason that I can come up with. That for some reason God chose her.
I thought of the song whole time we were at Miller Monuments yesterday. We chose blue silk granite. It is a beautiful purple stone that is so unique. They will do three designs for us. It should take 2 weeks to get the designs back and then once we choose the shape, they will order the stone. Hopefully, her stone will be in place by August or September.
Friday, April 1, 2011
This weekends plans...
So it was a good week at the Hill Household. Not great... but not bad. Fairly uneventful. This weekend is going to be a bit emotional. Tomorrow we are going to go to the cemetery. We have not been back since we left her there in February. It is going to be hard to go back but I want to see it. I know that my sister bought a rose that is solar powered. I am sure it is beautiful. I want to talk to my grandpa too. I know that he is watching over her now.
Then we are going to pick out her headstone. I have an idea of what I want and I am looking forward to getting something nice for her. I know it is going to be hard because I still think that we just shouldn't be doing this. I still have times when I think about her and can't believe that she is gone. Two months ago I would have told you that I would never be able to live through loosing her. But we are and 'day by day' it is getting better.
On Sunday my mom and dad are coming down. Most of the baby stuff is packed away. Right away we took everything downstairs and then two weekends ago we worked on her room a little. We packed the clothes for Ivy and cleaned out the drawers... but there is still more to be done- the sheets should be washed and I have no idea what is in the hamper. For now, we are going to leave the crib changing table and rocking chair there. I can't see changing it back into a guest room just yet. I wouldn't want anyone in there and that would just be too much. But I do want to make sure that things are cleaned up and put away properly so that when we are lucky enough to have another baby things are nice for them.
So... that is what I have planned for this weekend. All I can think is... I am so sad. I so wish we were doing something fun with Olivia instead.
Then we are going to pick out her headstone. I have an idea of what I want and I am looking forward to getting something nice for her. I know it is going to be hard because I still think that we just shouldn't be doing this. I still have times when I think about her and can't believe that she is gone. Two months ago I would have told you that I would never be able to live through loosing her. But we are and 'day by day' it is getting better.
On Sunday my mom and dad are coming down. Most of the baby stuff is packed away. Right away we took everything downstairs and then two weekends ago we worked on her room a little. We packed the clothes for Ivy and cleaned out the drawers... but there is still more to be done- the sheets should be washed and I have no idea what is in the hamper. For now, we are going to leave the crib changing table and rocking chair there. I can't see changing it back into a guest room just yet. I wouldn't want anyone in there and that would just be too much. But I do want to make sure that things are cleaned up and put away properly so that when we are lucky enough to have another baby things are nice for them.
So... that is what I have planned for this weekend. All I can think is... I am so sad. I so wish we were doing something fun with Olivia instead.
Monday, March 28, 2011
My birthday weekend in Chicago
This past weekend was awesome. I am so lucky to have such a good husband and really great friends. On Saturday morning we got up and took Miller to Camp Bow Wow. Then we went to the mall in Vernon Hills for lunch and then some shopping. A few hours later we met up with one of my best friends, Erica and her fiance, Stefan- off to downtown Chicago. I had no idea what was in store.
As we pulled up to the hotel I was shocked. We were staying at the Affinia- just off Madison Ave! Sweet! We had a few cocktails and got ready to go. As we left for dinner I still had no idea where we were going. When we pulled up to dinner I was a little confused. The building was pretty nondescript and didn't look like a restaurant. We were greeted by a mafia looking man with an Italian accent and needed a password to get in. Apparently, we were at the 1920's "speakeasy," Tommy Gun's Garage. Dinner was good and my long island is tea was really good. During the show Stefan got pulled on stage for a sobriety test from the police. It was so funny.
After dinner and the show I found out there was still another surprise in store. We got in the cab and off we went. When we pulled up I had no idea where we were. Why were we going to an office building? It wasn't until we went inside that I saw the sign- The Hancock Building!! Yeah. When we got up to the top we bypassed the line and went straight to our table AND Short, McNally, and Michelle were there waiting! The view of Chicago was so nice and it was so good to catch up and hang out with people I have not seen in a very long time.
It was the very best weekend that I have had in a long time. I have to admit, there were times when I really missed Olivia and as I told McNally about her I am pretty sure I cried but it wasn't at all bad. The past week has been more happy then sad and although the sad times still make me feel like I have been punched in the gut, they are getting further and further apart.
So... thank you to everyone who made my birthday week just a little more special then usual. If this is 29... I can't see what you and Nick have in store for 30!
As we pulled up to the hotel I was shocked. We were staying at the Affinia- just off Madison Ave! Sweet! We had a few cocktails and got ready to go. As we left for dinner I still had no idea where we were going. When we pulled up to dinner I was a little confused. The building was pretty nondescript and didn't look like a restaurant. We were greeted by a mafia looking man with an Italian accent and needed a password to get in. Apparently, we were at the 1920's "speakeasy," Tommy Gun's Garage. Dinner was good and my long island is tea was really good. During the show Stefan got pulled on stage for a sobriety test from the police. It was so funny.
After dinner and the show I found out there was still another surprise in store. We got in the cab and off we went. When we pulled up I had no idea where we were. Why were we going to an office building? It wasn't until we went inside that I saw the sign- The Hancock Building!! Yeah. When we got up to the top we bypassed the line and went straight to our table AND Short, McNally, and Michelle were there waiting! The view of Chicago was so nice and it was so good to catch up and hang out with people I have not seen in a very long time.
It was the very best weekend that I have had in a long time. I have to admit, there were times when I really missed Olivia and as I told McNally about her I am pretty sure I cried but it wasn't at all bad. The past week has been more happy then sad and although the sad times still make me feel like I have been punched in the gut, they are getting further and further apart.
So... thank you to everyone who made my birthday week just a little more special then usual. If this is 29... I can't see what you and Nick have in store for 30!
Friday, March 25, 2011
"I hope that 29 is better then 28"-- well not really...
So as many of you know Thursday was my birthday. It was pretty low key. I took a 1/2 day because I had an appointment in Waukesha and Nick and I went out to one of my favorite restaurants in Brookfield, WI. It was good but not as great as I remember.
At dinner I said, "I hope that 29 is better then 28." But once I said it I realized that isn't really true. While the last month of 28 was not good, the other 11 months of it were. Last year on my birthday I was pregnant. Nick and I still had not told anyone but we knew about our little one. We had fun keeping the secret and planning how we were going to tell everyone. On Easter, we sent a package to my niece Ruby announcing that the stork would bring her a wonderful gift in the fall- a cousin! For my parents we had them follow an Easter egg path to the nursery and for our friends we made cards that read "last fall we expanded our house by for feet (with little doggy prints)" on the front. The inside read "this fall we will add two more" (with little baby feet).
In June, we had a great weekend with our Michigan friends when we all got together for Carlin and Jake's wedding. In October, my little Olivia was born and I felt a love greater then I knew existed. Just a few weeks later, we celebrated with our friends again in Appleton for Abby and Randy's wedding. I was more thankful at Thanksgiving this year then I had ever been before. Nick and I both graduated from college in December and as I rung in 2011 with my family I was truly happier then I have ever been. Then in January, my sister had Ivy. A little peanut but a healthly little girl to compete their family and give Ruby the sister I know she would have missed had she ended up with a brother. In the beginning of February, the Packers won the Superbowl and we had a great time on vacation to Mexico. Finally, I spent Valentine's Day at home with my family- Nicholas, Olivia and Miller.
Looking back, until February 17th, 28 was a really good year. My goal moving forward is to keep that in my heart. I can't forget all the joy thing being 28 brought me. That would be unfair to Olivia- for the pain of loosing her can not overshadow the joy she brought.
At dinner I said, "I hope that 29 is better then 28." But once I said it I realized that isn't really true. While the last month of 28 was not good, the other 11 months of it were. Last year on my birthday I was pregnant. Nick and I still had not told anyone but we knew about our little one. We had fun keeping the secret and planning how we were going to tell everyone. On Easter, we sent a package to my niece Ruby announcing that the stork would bring her a wonderful gift in the fall- a cousin! For my parents we had them follow an Easter egg path to the nursery and for our friends we made cards that read "last fall we expanded our house by for feet (with little doggy prints)" on the front. The inside read "this fall we will add two more" (with little baby feet).
In June, we had a great weekend with our Michigan friends when we all got together for Carlin and Jake's wedding. In October, my little Olivia was born and I felt a love greater then I knew existed. Just a few weeks later, we celebrated with our friends again in Appleton for Abby and Randy's wedding. I was more thankful at Thanksgiving this year then I had ever been before. Nick and I both graduated from college in December and as I rung in 2011 with my family I was truly happier then I have ever been. Then in January, my sister had Ivy. A little peanut but a healthly little girl to compete their family and give Ruby the sister I know she would have missed had she ended up with a brother. In the beginning of February, the Packers won the Superbowl and we had a great time on vacation to Mexico. Finally, I spent Valentine's Day at home with my family- Nicholas, Olivia and Miller.
Looking back, until February 17th, 28 was a really good year. My goal moving forward is to keep that in my heart. I can't forget all the joy thing being 28 brought me. That would be unfair to Olivia- for the pain of loosing her can not overshadow the joy she brought.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Today someone asked me how my baby was doing.
I knew it was going to happen. It was just a matter of time. Two weeks ago it happened through IM. At that time it stung but I walked away from my desk... compiled myself and wrote back. Today was different. Today, it happened in person- at my desk. It is weird how my desk has become my sanctuary at work. When I am at my desk people leave me alone. They rarely come up to me at my desk to offer their condolences or talk about what happened. People approach me at the printer, the restroom or in the cafe but not at my desk. I had got used to that. Used to knowing where to expect Olivia would come up in a conversation. It was my little way of coping.
Today, the little bubble around my desk was shattered. I was at my desk and was happy to be seeing someone again that I had not seen in a long time. She is so nice and immediately asked how my baby was doing. I was shocked and heartbroken and I am sure that my face showed it. I couldn't just walk away. I couldn't figure out what to say. Finally, I said... I am so sorry that you didn't know but Olivia passed away last month. She started tearing up and so did I.
She didn't say much after that. A few I'm sorrys and I replied that it was okay... she isn't the first and won't be the last. It is okay and it is or... it will be. After that I wanted so bad to leave work. To go out to a long lunch or work from home this afternoon. But I didn't, I stuck it out. I am glad I did. Like I said, it won't be the last time someone asks about Olivia and I can't always run.
Today, the little bubble around my desk was shattered. I was at my desk and was happy to be seeing someone again that I had not seen in a long time. She is so nice and immediately asked how my baby was doing. I was shocked and heartbroken and I am sure that my face showed it. I couldn't just walk away. I couldn't figure out what to say. Finally, I said... I am so sorry that you didn't know but Olivia passed away last month. She started tearing up and so did I.
She didn't say much after that. A few I'm sorrys and I replied that it was okay... she isn't the first and won't be the last. It is okay and it is or... it will be. After that I wanted so bad to leave work. To go out to a long lunch or work from home this afternoon. But I didn't, I stuck it out. I am glad I did. Like I said, it won't be the last time someone asks about Olivia and I can't always run.
Monday, March 21, 2011
My empty nest...
Lately, I have really missed being a family. I miss being a mom. Nick and I didn't just loose our daughter- we lost our only child. It has been very difficult dealing with loosing Olivia but more then that, I feel like I lost my purpose. I suppose that it is the same kind of feeling that people have when their children go off to college- like empty nest syndrome.
When Olivia died I was just about to start her on solids. I thought a lot about how that was going to work logistically. With the military, Nick is out of town a lot and it was difficult to juggle her, Miller and my own needs. How was I going to fit feeding solids into that? Now, I miss that. I know I would have figured it out and as busy as a night ever was, I looked forward to getting home to spend time with Olivia. It really isn't the same now.
It is hard getting back to just Nick and I. Even before Olivia was born a lot of our time was spent on family... registering, getting the nursery ready, researching strollers and car seats. I don't really look forward to the end of the day like I did before. It is just Nick and I again and although I really love him, it is kinda boring around our house.
I know that it will get better. We will find new things that we enjoy doing together and we will figure out how to keep busy on week nights. And someday, we will have a family again. Then ,maybe in 20 years when we are again dealing with an empty nest it won't be so bad because we have been through it before.
When Olivia died I was just about to start her on solids. I thought a lot about how that was going to work logistically. With the military, Nick is out of town a lot and it was difficult to juggle her, Miller and my own needs. How was I going to fit feeding solids into that? Now, I miss that. I know I would have figured it out and as busy as a night ever was, I looked forward to getting home to spend time with Olivia. It really isn't the same now.
It is hard getting back to just Nick and I. Even before Olivia was born a lot of our time was spent on family... registering, getting the nursery ready, researching strollers and car seats. I don't really look forward to the end of the day like I did before. It is just Nick and I again and although I really love him, it is kinda boring around our house.
I know that it will get better. We will find new things that we enjoy doing together and we will figure out how to keep busy on week nights. And someday, we will have a family again. Then ,maybe in 20 years when we are again dealing with an empty nest it won't be so bad because we have been through it before.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Beautiful Day for a walk
Last night I went to see my sister and my beautiful nieces. Holding Ivy wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. She is so small compared to Olivia. And I love Ruby. What a ham. It is so funny to see Nick interact with her. I miss seeing him that way. He was a much better dad then I ever imagined.
They asked me if I wanted to go to the zoo today. I said no. Just not ready for that yet. It is such a beautiful day and I had dreamed of taking Olivia to the zoo with her cousins. We got an awesome stroller. It was the one thing that I didn't look at price or buying used. I researched it a lot and asked for the top of the line. And thanks to my awesome sorority sisters, I got it. We used it when we went to the store but we never got the chance to take Olivia for a real walk. I would have loved to take Olivia for walks.
So today... bundle up your little one and take them out.
They asked me if I wanted to go to the zoo today. I said no. Just not ready for that yet. It is such a beautiful day and I had dreamed of taking Olivia to the zoo with her cousins. We got an awesome stroller. It was the one thing that I didn't look at price or buying used. I researched it a lot and asked for the top of the line. And thanks to my awesome sorority sisters, I got it. We used it when we went to the store but we never got the chance to take Olivia for a real walk. I would have loved to take Olivia for walks.
So today... bundle up your little one and take them out.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Thursdays will never be the same.
It has been a month without Olivia. A whole month since I held her. A month of missing her.
I am pretty sure that Thursday nights will never be the same. I watch the clock knowing that 9:35 is coming. I miss her so much.
Tonight I watched a video of Olivia. I tried to post it here... but for some reason it wasn't working. Anyway... it was taken about 2 weeks before she died. We were trying to make a video to send to Nick's dad in Duluth. It is my favorite memory of her. Nick and I had such a great time playing with her that night. There is nothing I wouldn't give for one more night with her.
I am pretty sure that Thursday nights will never be the same. I watch the clock knowing that 9:35 is coming. I miss her so much.
Tonight I watched a video of Olivia. I tried to post it here... but for some reason it wasn't working. Anyway... it was taken about 2 weeks before she died. We were trying to make a video to send to Nick's dad in Duluth. It is my favorite memory of her. Nick and I had such a great time playing with her that night. There is nothing I wouldn't give for one more night with her.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
5 months old
Today, Olivia would have been 5 months old.
Today, I thought a lot about what she would have learned by now...
-to sit up. I think that she would have been sitting up on her own by now. She probably wouldn't have got the balance thing down but I think she would have been able to sit up. She really hated laying down and she was always doing a crunchie like move. She liked to see what was going on and I think she would have figured it out by now.
-eating solids. She enjoyed her milk and I think that she would have been good on solids. I was going to start her on cereal that weekend.
-her exercaucer. We put her in it a few times but she didn't really understand that she could move from one toy to another or that she could bounce in it.
- to really laugh. Nick was really good at making her giggle. For some reason, the voices he made cracked her up. I had just figured out my own ways to make her laugh. I am sure by now she would have been laughing a lot.
So... I will never know what she would have been like. But that is what she is like in my dreams today.
Today, I thought a lot about what she would have learned by now...
-to sit up. I think that she would have been sitting up on her own by now. She probably wouldn't have got the balance thing down but I think she would have been able to sit up. She really hated laying down and she was always doing a crunchie like move. She liked to see what was going on and I think she would have figured it out by now.
-eating solids. She enjoyed her milk and I think that she would have been good on solids. I was going to start her on cereal that weekend.
-her exercaucer. We put her in it a few times but she didn't really understand that she could move from one toy to another or that she could bounce in it.
- to really laugh. Nick was really good at making her giggle. For some reason, the voices he made cracked her up. I had just figured out my own ways to make her laugh. I am sure by now she would have been laughing a lot.
So... I will never know what she would have been like. But that is what she is like in my dreams today.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Today was good... but I am not looking forward to tomorrow.
Today was a good day. My new definition of good. Work was really busy and I had a good conversation with my boss.
We also had our first counseling appointment. I think it will be good. It was nice to talk to someone with Nick. It gave us both a better understanding of what the other is feeling. I thought that we were doing a good job of being there for each other but I guess it is one thing that could always be improved upon. No one has a perfect relationship.
One thing that came up was the idea of closure. Will getting the ME results give us the closure we are looking for? I don't think so. And I really hate that term. It is like once we know what happened then we will be able to move on. Her life isn't a book that can be closed and thrown on the shelf. Even if we find out what happened, I still won't understand why. And really... I don't think I will ever know why. But that will be okay. Someday, I will be okay with not knowing why.
Like I said... all in all it was a good day. Now for tomorrow. Tomorrow she would have been 5 months old and I would be taking her for pictures again this weekend. Probably in a green outfit for St. Patrick's Day. Tomorrow is going to be hard.
We also had our first counseling appointment. I think it will be good. It was nice to talk to someone with Nick. It gave us both a better understanding of what the other is feeling. I thought that we were doing a good job of being there for each other but I guess it is one thing that could always be improved upon. No one has a perfect relationship.
One thing that came up was the idea of closure. Will getting the ME results give us the closure we are looking for? I don't think so. And I really hate that term. It is like once we know what happened then we will be able to move on. Her life isn't a book that can be closed and thrown on the shelf. Even if we find out what happened, I still won't understand why. And really... I don't think I will ever know why. But that will be okay. Someday, I will be okay with not knowing why.
Like I said... all in all it was a good day. Now for tomorrow. Tomorrow she would have been 5 months old and I would be taking her for pictures again this weekend. Probably in a green outfit for St. Patrick's Day. Tomorrow is going to be hard.
Monday, March 14, 2011
At least...
Before Olivia died I didn't realize how many times words just don't work the way people want them to. I am sure that people don't mean to be insensitive or rude but sometimes people say things so obnoxious that I am literally left speechless. So here is my advice.
If what you have to say starts with "at least..." please keep it to yourself.
Let me explain. Yesterday, Nick and I bought an x-box kinect. Today someone told me "at least you will have time to play xbox now." I was in shock and I am pretty sure that the look on my face showed it. Who says something like that? Did they really mean that? Someone else said "at least you will have time to concentrate on your masters." Um... really? All I can concentrate on right now is making it through the day. I don't think I will be going back to school any time soon.
Even the well intentioned "at least she didn't suffer" makes me cringe. Just because she didn't suffer doesn't make it okay. Any parent out there would admit that they would make the trade off if need be. Would you trade a few days of your child suffering to still be able to tuck your child in at night again? I know I would.
"At least..." is a way to try to find a way that this is okay. A reason why loosing Olivia isn't so bad. Don't say it because there is no bright side. It is that bad and there is nothing but time that will make it okay. At least, nothing that I have found.
If what you have to say starts with "at least..." please keep it to yourself.
Let me explain. Yesterday, Nick and I bought an x-box kinect. Today someone told me "at least you will have time to play xbox now." I was in shock and I am pretty sure that the look on my face showed it. Who says something like that? Did they really mean that? Someone else said "at least you will have time to concentrate on your masters." Um... really? All I can concentrate on right now is making it through the day. I don't think I will be going back to school any time soon.
Even the well intentioned "at least she didn't suffer" makes me cringe. Just because she didn't suffer doesn't make it okay. Any parent out there would admit that they would make the trade off if need be. Would you trade a few days of your child suffering to still be able to tuck your child in at night again? I know I would.
"At least..." is a way to try to find a way that this is okay. A reason why loosing Olivia isn't so bad. Don't say it because there is no bright side. It is that bad and there is nothing but time that will make it okay. At least, nothing that I have found.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Thursday- February 17
I woke up late on Thursday, February 17. Olivia had slept in but she was up all night. No big deal that she slept in. I didn't spend much time with her that morning. I was running late and so I didn't feed her before we left. I took her to daycare and went to work. I had no idea how drastically my life was going to change that day.
Work sucked that day. I was really tired and crabby. I skipped Zumba and joked with my co-workers that I felt like a little kid skipping school. Nick picked up Olivia at day care and got home about 10 minutes before me. When I walked in he asked if Olivia was breathing so heavy in the morning. I looked at her and decided to take her temperature. When I grabbed her from him and laid her down there was no life in her. She was like a limp noodle and she was breathing really heavy. I didn't even take her temp. I told Nick we were taking her to urgent care. We left for Janesville at 6:00. On the way there I told Nick I was scared. What if she was really sick?
Urgent care was a busy that night so we waited about 30 minutes to see the doctor. We held her and although she coughed a bit she smiled too. When we saw the doctor he said that she was too sick and he didn't know what he could do for her. They called the ambulance. You would think that this would have scared me. It didn't. I held her on the way to the hospital. I was happy to see that with the oxygen mask on she was perking up. Nick followed the ambulance and joked with driver about running red lights.
In the ER they tried to get blood but her veins were just too small. The doctor told us that they were trying to get a flight to take her to the children's hospital in Madison but it was too foggy. They said they would figure out what was wrong and get her stable and then try to get her to Madison by ambulance. Even then, I wasn't too concerned. They drilled into her leg to get the blood. Her temperature was going up still and I knew that might cause a seizure. She was in my lap the entire time that they worked on her until her body went stiff and they said she was having a seizure. It was 9:05. They took us out of the room to a small room down the hall. I called my mom and told them what was going on. Nick and I still didn't know. We didn't talk but we didn't cry either. The nurse came back in to get us. As we walked back to the room she told us what we were going to see.
I will never forget the next 15 minutes. The doctors were pumping a bag breathing for her and giving her chest compressions. The minute I walked in the room I knew she was gone. I was so afraid they were going to ask us if we wanted to let her go or keep her on a machine. They didn't and for that I am grateful. I know what I would have said but I am glad that I didn't have to say it. They pushed some more drugs and did all they could but we knew.
At 9:35 they turned off the machines and stopped the chest compressions. The room was really quite and my little girl was gone.
Work sucked that day. I was really tired and crabby. I skipped Zumba and joked with my co-workers that I felt like a little kid skipping school. Nick picked up Olivia at day care and got home about 10 minutes before me. When I walked in he asked if Olivia was breathing so heavy in the morning. I looked at her and decided to take her temperature. When I grabbed her from him and laid her down there was no life in her. She was like a limp noodle and she was breathing really heavy. I didn't even take her temp. I told Nick we were taking her to urgent care. We left for Janesville at 6:00. On the way there I told Nick I was scared. What if she was really sick?
Urgent care was a busy that night so we waited about 30 minutes to see the doctor. We held her and although she coughed a bit she smiled too. When we saw the doctor he said that she was too sick and he didn't know what he could do for her. They called the ambulance. You would think that this would have scared me. It didn't. I held her on the way to the hospital. I was happy to see that with the oxygen mask on she was perking up. Nick followed the ambulance and joked with driver about running red lights.
In the ER they tried to get blood but her veins were just too small. The doctor told us that they were trying to get a flight to take her to the children's hospital in Madison but it was too foggy. They said they would figure out what was wrong and get her stable and then try to get her to Madison by ambulance. Even then, I wasn't too concerned. They drilled into her leg to get the blood. Her temperature was going up still and I knew that might cause a seizure. She was in my lap the entire time that they worked on her until her body went stiff and they said she was having a seizure. It was 9:05. They took us out of the room to a small room down the hall. I called my mom and told them what was going on. Nick and I still didn't know. We didn't talk but we didn't cry either. The nurse came back in to get us. As we walked back to the room she told us what we were going to see.
I will never forget the next 15 minutes. The doctors were pumping a bag breathing for her and giving her chest compressions. The minute I walked in the room I knew she was gone. I was so afraid they were going to ask us if we wanted to let her go or keep her on a machine. They didn't and for that I am grateful. I know what I would have said but I am glad that I didn't have to say it. They pushed some more drugs and did all they could but we knew.
At 9:35 they turned off the machines and stopped the chest compressions. The room was really quite and my little girl was gone.
The days leading up the the 17th.
Nick and I got back from a trip to Mexico on Sunday, Feb 13. Olivia had stayed at my mom and dad's she had a little cough but otherwise was a pretty happy baby. On Valentine's Day I stayed home and Nick and I hung out with Olivia. We didn't do anything special but I will always remember it as the most special Valentine's Day. Nick left on Tuesday night for an interview so it was just me and Olivia. She was crabby and needy on Tuesday but slept fine and seemed to be getting over the cough quickly. Wednesday was a good day too. She didn't sleep much at day care but that wasn't unusual. On Wednesday night she was happy and played in my lap with her new crab toy from grandma while I watched tv. It was actually a really good night. She got up at about 2 am which was pretty unusual. And she didn't want to eat. I rocked her and she fell asleep quickly but when I tried to put her down she woke up. I think this went on for a long time but she was so good all the time... I just thought... well she is a baby and deserves to have a bad night every once in awhile. I had no idea.
Getting Started
So... I am starting a blog. I am not yet sure how this is going to go so bear with me for a bit. Someone told me that writing things down might help me work through the feelings that I am having... so I figure I might as well give it a try. Also, I know that everyone wants to know how we are doing. This way, you will know.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)