Just need to get through the next four days.

I always have a difficult time when the middle of the month comes along but this month is especially difficult.  I knew these days were coming up but even though I knew they were approaching... the next four days are going to be rough.

Tomorrow... Olivia would have been 8 months old.  I wonder what she would be doing.  She would probably crawling.  What about standing on her pudgy little legs?  Would she have liked the jumping horse my mom got her?  What about food?  Would she have liked peas and carrots?

Friday... 4 months since she died.  4 months and we still don't know what happened!  The coroner called this week just to let me know that they are waiting on a report from Children's Hospital.  I know that the doctors at Children's Hospital are busy but do they know how awfully heartbreaking it is to not know?  Please hurry up.  I pray everyday that we will find out soon.  I just want to know.

Saturday... the first day when Olivia will be gone longer then she was here... 4 months and 2 days since she died.  It is so weird to me that I only knew her for such a short time.  A very good friend of mine married someone that she had only known a few months and at the time I thought she was crazy... but I understand now.  It doesn't matter how long you know someone- if you love them- you love them.

And Sunday... Father's Day.  A very odd day.  Nick's first Father's Day... but we have no baby to take to the Brewer's Game.  No baby to take for a walk or to celebrate with.  I tried to pick out a card for him but there was nothing that said the right thing.  I suppose that someday I won't hate Mother's Day and Father's Day so much... but right now it seems like the stupidest holiday.  Why have a specific day to celebrate something that only brings pain for so many?

So that is what the next few days hold.  I know there will be lots of days like this... many "Olivia would have been x today."  Many more years of wondering what she would be doing now.  I do find some comfort in knowing that nothing can be as bad as it was.  Nothing can be worse then February 17th.  While others might wonder what life has in store for them, I no longer worry about it.  The only way I can get out of bed everyday is because I know I have lived though the worst day of my life.  And since it didn't kill me, that can only mean that now I am stronger.