This past weekend was awesome. I am so lucky to have such a good husband and really great friends. On Saturday morning we got up and took Miller to Camp Bow Wow. Then we went to the mall in Vernon Hills for lunch and then some shopping. A few hours later we met up with one of my best friends, Erica and her fiance, Stefan- off to downtown Chicago. I had no idea what was in store.
As we pulled up to the hotel I was shocked. We were staying at the Affinia- just off Madison Ave! Sweet! We had a few cocktails and got ready to go. As we left for dinner I still had no idea where we were going. When we pulled up to dinner I was a little confused. The building was pretty nondescript and didn't look like a restaurant. We were greeted by a mafia looking man with an Italian accent and needed a password to get in. Apparently, we were at the 1920's "speakeasy," Tommy Gun's Garage. Dinner was good and my long island is tea was really good. During the show Stefan got pulled on stage for a sobriety test from the police. It was so funny.
After dinner and the show I found out there was still another surprise in store. We got in the cab and off we went. When we pulled up I had no idea where we were. Why were we going to an office building? It wasn't until we went inside that I saw the sign- The Hancock Building!! Yeah. When we got up to the top we bypassed the line and went straight to our table AND Short, McNally, and Michelle were there waiting! The view of Chicago was so nice and it was so good to catch up and hang out with people I have not seen in a very long time.
It was the very best weekend that I have had in a long time. I have to admit, there were times when I really missed Olivia and as I told McNally about her I am pretty sure I cried but it wasn't at all bad. The past week has been more happy then sad and although the sad times still make me feel like I have been punched in the gut, they are getting further and further apart.
So... thank you to everyone who made my birthday week just a little more special then usual. If this is 29... I can't see what you and Nick have in store for 30!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
"I hope that 29 is better then 28"-- well not really...
So as many of you know Thursday was my birthday. It was pretty low key. I took a 1/2 day because I had an appointment in Waukesha and Nick and I went out to one of my favorite restaurants in Brookfield, WI. It was good but not as great as I remember.
At dinner I said, "I hope that 29 is better then 28." But once I said it I realized that isn't really true. While the last month of 28 was not good, the other 11 months of it were. Last year on my birthday I was pregnant. Nick and I still had not told anyone but we knew about our little one. We had fun keeping the secret and planning how we were going to tell everyone. On Easter, we sent a package to my niece Ruby announcing that the stork would bring her a wonderful gift in the fall- a cousin! For my parents we had them follow an Easter egg path to the nursery and for our friends we made cards that read "last fall we expanded our house by for feet (with little doggy prints)" on the front. The inside read "this fall we will add two more" (with little baby feet).
In June, we had a great weekend with our Michigan friends when we all got together for Carlin and Jake's wedding. In October, my little Olivia was born and I felt a love greater then I knew existed. Just a few weeks later, we celebrated with our friends again in Appleton for Abby and Randy's wedding. I was more thankful at Thanksgiving this year then I had ever been before. Nick and I both graduated from college in December and as I rung in 2011 with my family I was truly happier then I have ever been. Then in January, my sister had Ivy. A little peanut but a healthly little girl to compete their family and give Ruby the sister I know she would have missed had she ended up with a brother. In the beginning of February, the Packers won the Superbowl and we had a great time on vacation to Mexico. Finally, I spent Valentine's Day at home with my family- Nicholas, Olivia and Miller.
Looking back, until February 17th, 28 was a really good year. My goal moving forward is to keep that in my heart. I can't forget all the joy thing being 28 brought me. That would be unfair to Olivia- for the pain of loosing her can not overshadow the joy she brought.
At dinner I said, "I hope that 29 is better then 28." But once I said it I realized that isn't really true. While the last month of 28 was not good, the other 11 months of it were. Last year on my birthday I was pregnant. Nick and I still had not told anyone but we knew about our little one. We had fun keeping the secret and planning how we were going to tell everyone. On Easter, we sent a package to my niece Ruby announcing that the stork would bring her a wonderful gift in the fall- a cousin! For my parents we had them follow an Easter egg path to the nursery and for our friends we made cards that read "last fall we expanded our house by for feet (with little doggy prints)" on the front. The inside read "this fall we will add two more" (with little baby feet).
In June, we had a great weekend with our Michigan friends when we all got together for Carlin and Jake's wedding. In October, my little Olivia was born and I felt a love greater then I knew existed. Just a few weeks later, we celebrated with our friends again in Appleton for Abby and Randy's wedding. I was more thankful at Thanksgiving this year then I had ever been before. Nick and I both graduated from college in December and as I rung in 2011 with my family I was truly happier then I have ever been. Then in January, my sister had Ivy. A little peanut but a healthly little girl to compete their family and give Ruby the sister I know she would have missed had she ended up with a brother. In the beginning of February, the Packers won the Superbowl and we had a great time on vacation to Mexico. Finally, I spent Valentine's Day at home with my family- Nicholas, Olivia and Miller.
Looking back, until February 17th, 28 was a really good year. My goal moving forward is to keep that in my heart. I can't forget all the joy thing being 28 brought me. That would be unfair to Olivia- for the pain of loosing her can not overshadow the joy she brought.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Today someone asked me how my baby was doing.
I knew it was going to happen. It was just a matter of time. Two weeks ago it happened through IM. At that time it stung but I walked away from my desk... compiled myself and wrote back. Today was different. Today, it happened in person- at my desk. It is weird how my desk has become my sanctuary at work. When I am at my desk people leave me alone. They rarely come up to me at my desk to offer their condolences or talk about what happened. People approach me at the printer, the restroom or in the cafe but not at my desk. I had got used to that. Used to knowing where to expect Olivia would come up in a conversation. It was my little way of coping.
Today, the little bubble around my desk was shattered. I was at my desk and was happy to be seeing someone again that I had not seen in a long time. She is so nice and immediately asked how my baby was doing. I was shocked and heartbroken and I am sure that my face showed it. I couldn't just walk away. I couldn't figure out what to say. Finally, I said... I am so sorry that you didn't know but Olivia passed away last month. She started tearing up and so did I.
She didn't say much after that. A few I'm sorrys and I replied that it was okay... she isn't the first and won't be the last. It is okay and it is or... it will be. After that I wanted so bad to leave work. To go out to a long lunch or work from home this afternoon. But I didn't, I stuck it out. I am glad I did. Like I said, it won't be the last time someone asks about Olivia and I can't always run.
Today, the little bubble around my desk was shattered. I was at my desk and was happy to be seeing someone again that I had not seen in a long time. She is so nice and immediately asked how my baby was doing. I was shocked and heartbroken and I am sure that my face showed it. I couldn't just walk away. I couldn't figure out what to say. Finally, I said... I am so sorry that you didn't know but Olivia passed away last month. She started tearing up and so did I.
She didn't say much after that. A few I'm sorrys and I replied that it was okay... she isn't the first and won't be the last. It is okay and it is or... it will be. After that I wanted so bad to leave work. To go out to a long lunch or work from home this afternoon. But I didn't, I stuck it out. I am glad I did. Like I said, it won't be the last time someone asks about Olivia and I can't always run.
Monday, March 21, 2011
My empty nest...
Lately, I have really missed being a family. I miss being a mom. Nick and I didn't just loose our daughter- we lost our only child. It has been very difficult dealing with loosing Olivia but more then that, I feel like I lost my purpose. I suppose that it is the same kind of feeling that people have when their children go off to college- like empty nest syndrome.
When Olivia died I was just about to start her on solids. I thought a lot about how that was going to work logistically. With the military, Nick is out of town a lot and it was difficult to juggle her, Miller and my own needs. How was I going to fit feeding solids into that? Now, I miss that. I know I would have figured it out and as busy as a night ever was, I looked forward to getting home to spend time with Olivia. It really isn't the same now.
It is hard getting back to just Nick and I. Even before Olivia was born a lot of our time was spent on family... registering, getting the nursery ready, researching strollers and car seats. I don't really look forward to the end of the day like I did before. It is just Nick and I again and although I really love him, it is kinda boring around our house.
I know that it will get better. We will find new things that we enjoy doing together and we will figure out how to keep busy on week nights. And someday, we will have a family again. Then ,maybe in 20 years when we are again dealing with an empty nest it won't be so bad because we have been through it before.
When Olivia died I was just about to start her on solids. I thought a lot about how that was going to work logistically. With the military, Nick is out of town a lot and it was difficult to juggle her, Miller and my own needs. How was I going to fit feeding solids into that? Now, I miss that. I know I would have figured it out and as busy as a night ever was, I looked forward to getting home to spend time with Olivia. It really isn't the same now.
It is hard getting back to just Nick and I. Even before Olivia was born a lot of our time was spent on family... registering, getting the nursery ready, researching strollers and car seats. I don't really look forward to the end of the day like I did before. It is just Nick and I again and although I really love him, it is kinda boring around our house.
I know that it will get better. We will find new things that we enjoy doing together and we will figure out how to keep busy on week nights. And someday, we will have a family again. Then ,maybe in 20 years when we are again dealing with an empty nest it won't be so bad because we have been through it before.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Beautiful Day for a walk
Last night I went to see my sister and my beautiful nieces. Holding Ivy wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. She is so small compared to Olivia. And I love Ruby. What a ham. It is so funny to see Nick interact with her. I miss seeing him that way. He was a much better dad then I ever imagined.
They asked me if I wanted to go to the zoo today. I said no. Just not ready for that yet. It is such a beautiful day and I had dreamed of taking Olivia to the zoo with her cousins. We got an awesome stroller. It was the one thing that I didn't look at price or buying used. I researched it a lot and asked for the top of the line. And thanks to my awesome sorority sisters, I got it. We used it when we went to the store but we never got the chance to take Olivia for a real walk. I would have loved to take Olivia for walks.
So today... bundle up your little one and take them out.
They asked me if I wanted to go to the zoo today. I said no. Just not ready for that yet. It is such a beautiful day and I had dreamed of taking Olivia to the zoo with her cousins. We got an awesome stroller. It was the one thing that I didn't look at price or buying used. I researched it a lot and asked for the top of the line. And thanks to my awesome sorority sisters, I got it. We used it when we went to the store but we never got the chance to take Olivia for a real walk. I would have loved to take Olivia for walks.
So today... bundle up your little one and take them out.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Thursdays will never be the same.
It has been a month without Olivia. A whole month since I held her. A month of missing her.
I am pretty sure that Thursday nights will never be the same. I watch the clock knowing that 9:35 is coming. I miss her so much.
Tonight I watched a video of Olivia. I tried to post it here... but for some reason it wasn't working. Anyway... it was taken about 2 weeks before she died. We were trying to make a video to send to Nick's dad in Duluth. It is my favorite memory of her. Nick and I had such a great time playing with her that night. There is nothing I wouldn't give for one more night with her.
I am pretty sure that Thursday nights will never be the same. I watch the clock knowing that 9:35 is coming. I miss her so much.
Tonight I watched a video of Olivia. I tried to post it here... but for some reason it wasn't working. Anyway... it was taken about 2 weeks before she died. We were trying to make a video to send to Nick's dad in Duluth. It is my favorite memory of her. Nick and I had such a great time playing with her that night. There is nothing I wouldn't give for one more night with her.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
5 months old
Today, Olivia would have been 5 months old.
Today, I thought a lot about what she would have learned by now...
-to sit up. I think that she would have been sitting up on her own by now. She probably wouldn't have got the balance thing down but I think she would have been able to sit up. She really hated laying down and she was always doing a crunchie like move. She liked to see what was going on and I think she would have figured it out by now.
-eating solids. She enjoyed her milk and I think that she would have been good on solids. I was going to start her on cereal that weekend.
-her exercaucer. We put her in it a few times but she didn't really understand that she could move from one toy to another or that she could bounce in it.
- to really laugh. Nick was really good at making her giggle. For some reason, the voices he made cracked her up. I had just figured out my own ways to make her laugh. I am sure by now she would have been laughing a lot.
So... I will never know what she would have been like. But that is what she is like in my dreams today.
Today, I thought a lot about what she would have learned by now...
-to sit up. I think that she would have been sitting up on her own by now. She probably wouldn't have got the balance thing down but I think she would have been able to sit up. She really hated laying down and she was always doing a crunchie like move. She liked to see what was going on and I think she would have figured it out by now.
-eating solids. She enjoyed her milk and I think that she would have been good on solids. I was going to start her on cereal that weekend.
-her exercaucer. We put her in it a few times but she didn't really understand that she could move from one toy to another or that she could bounce in it.
- to really laugh. Nick was really good at making her giggle. For some reason, the voices he made cracked her up. I had just figured out my own ways to make her laugh. I am sure by now she would have been laughing a lot.
So... I will never know what she would have been like. But that is what she is like in my dreams today.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Today was good... but I am not looking forward to tomorrow.
Today was a good day. My new definition of good. Work was really busy and I had a good conversation with my boss.
We also had our first counseling appointment. I think it will be good. It was nice to talk to someone with Nick. It gave us both a better understanding of what the other is feeling. I thought that we were doing a good job of being there for each other but I guess it is one thing that could always be improved upon. No one has a perfect relationship.
One thing that came up was the idea of closure. Will getting the ME results give us the closure we are looking for? I don't think so. And I really hate that term. It is like once we know what happened then we will be able to move on. Her life isn't a book that can be closed and thrown on the shelf. Even if we find out what happened, I still won't understand why. And really... I don't think I will ever know why. But that will be okay. Someday, I will be okay with not knowing why.
Like I said... all in all it was a good day. Now for tomorrow. Tomorrow she would have been 5 months old and I would be taking her for pictures again this weekend. Probably in a green outfit for St. Patrick's Day. Tomorrow is going to be hard.
We also had our first counseling appointment. I think it will be good. It was nice to talk to someone with Nick. It gave us both a better understanding of what the other is feeling. I thought that we were doing a good job of being there for each other but I guess it is one thing that could always be improved upon. No one has a perfect relationship.
One thing that came up was the idea of closure. Will getting the ME results give us the closure we are looking for? I don't think so. And I really hate that term. It is like once we know what happened then we will be able to move on. Her life isn't a book that can be closed and thrown on the shelf. Even if we find out what happened, I still won't understand why. And really... I don't think I will ever know why. But that will be okay. Someday, I will be okay with not knowing why.
Like I said... all in all it was a good day. Now for tomorrow. Tomorrow she would have been 5 months old and I would be taking her for pictures again this weekend. Probably in a green outfit for St. Patrick's Day. Tomorrow is going to be hard.
Monday, March 14, 2011
At least...
Before Olivia died I didn't realize how many times words just don't work the way people want them to. I am sure that people don't mean to be insensitive or rude but sometimes people say things so obnoxious that I am literally left speechless. So here is my advice.
If what you have to say starts with "at least..." please keep it to yourself.
Let me explain. Yesterday, Nick and I bought an x-box kinect. Today someone told me "at least you will have time to play xbox now." I was in shock and I am pretty sure that the look on my face showed it. Who says something like that? Did they really mean that? Someone else said "at least you will have time to concentrate on your masters." Um... really? All I can concentrate on right now is making it through the day. I don't think I will be going back to school any time soon.
Even the well intentioned "at least she didn't suffer" makes me cringe. Just because she didn't suffer doesn't make it okay. Any parent out there would admit that they would make the trade off if need be. Would you trade a few days of your child suffering to still be able to tuck your child in at night again? I know I would.
"At least..." is a way to try to find a way that this is okay. A reason why loosing Olivia isn't so bad. Don't say it because there is no bright side. It is that bad and there is nothing but time that will make it okay. At least, nothing that I have found.
If what you have to say starts with "at least..." please keep it to yourself.
Let me explain. Yesterday, Nick and I bought an x-box kinect. Today someone told me "at least you will have time to play xbox now." I was in shock and I am pretty sure that the look on my face showed it. Who says something like that? Did they really mean that? Someone else said "at least you will have time to concentrate on your masters." Um... really? All I can concentrate on right now is making it through the day. I don't think I will be going back to school any time soon.
Even the well intentioned "at least she didn't suffer" makes me cringe. Just because she didn't suffer doesn't make it okay. Any parent out there would admit that they would make the trade off if need be. Would you trade a few days of your child suffering to still be able to tuck your child in at night again? I know I would.
"At least..." is a way to try to find a way that this is okay. A reason why loosing Olivia isn't so bad. Don't say it because there is no bright side. It is that bad and there is nothing but time that will make it okay. At least, nothing that I have found.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Thursday- February 17
I woke up late on Thursday, February 17. Olivia had slept in but she was up all night. No big deal that she slept in. I didn't spend much time with her that morning. I was running late and so I didn't feed her before we left. I took her to daycare and went to work. I had no idea how drastically my life was going to change that day.
Work sucked that day. I was really tired and crabby. I skipped Zumba and joked with my co-workers that I felt like a little kid skipping school. Nick picked up Olivia at day care and got home about 10 minutes before me. When I walked in he asked if Olivia was breathing so heavy in the morning. I looked at her and decided to take her temperature. When I grabbed her from him and laid her down there was no life in her. She was like a limp noodle and she was breathing really heavy. I didn't even take her temp. I told Nick we were taking her to urgent care. We left for Janesville at 6:00. On the way there I told Nick I was scared. What if she was really sick?
Urgent care was a busy that night so we waited about 30 minutes to see the doctor. We held her and although she coughed a bit she smiled too. When we saw the doctor he said that she was too sick and he didn't know what he could do for her. They called the ambulance. You would think that this would have scared me. It didn't. I held her on the way to the hospital. I was happy to see that with the oxygen mask on she was perking up. Nick followed the ambulance and joked with driver about running red lights.
In the ER they tried to get blood but her veins were just too small. The doctor told us that they were trying to get a flight to take her to the children's hospital in Madison but it was too foggy. They said they would figure out what was wrong and get her stable and then try to get her to Madison by ambulance. Even then, I wasn't too concerned. They drilled into her leg to get the blood. Her temperature was going up still and I knew that might cause a seizure. She was in my lap the entire time that they worked on her until her body went stiff and they said she was having a seizure. It was 9:05. They took us out of the room to a small room down the hall. I called my mom and told them what was going on. Nick and I still didn't know. We didn't talk but we didn't cry either. The nurse came back in to get us. As we walked back to the room she told us what we were going to see.
I will never forget the next 15 minutes. The doctors were pumping a bag breathing for her and giving her chest compressions. The minute I walked in the room I knew she was gone. I was so afraid they were going to ask us if we wanted to let her go or keep her on a machine. They didn't and for that I am grateful. I know what I would have said but I am glad that I didn't have to say it. They pushed some more drugs and did all they could but we knew.
At 9:35 they turned off the machines and stopped the chest compressions. The room was really quite and my little girl was gone.
Work sucked that day. I was really tired and crabby. I skipped Zumba and joked with my co-workers that I felt like a little kid skipping school. Nick picked up Olivia at day care and got home about 10 minutes before me. When I walked in he asked if Olivia was breathing so heavy in the morning. I looked at her and decided to take her temperature. When I grabbed her from him and laid her down there was no life in her. She was like a limp noodle and she was breathing really heavy. I didn't even take her temp. I told Nick we were taking her to urgent care. We left for Janesville at 6:00. On the way there I told Nick I was scared. What if she was really sick?
Urgent care was a busy that night so we waited about 30 minutes to see the doctor. We held her and although she coughed a bit she smiled too. When we saw the doctor he said that she was too sick and he didn't know what he could do for her. They called the ambulance. You would think that this would have scared me. It didn't. I held her on the way to the hospital. I was happy to see that with the oxygen mask on she was perking up. Nick followed the ambulance and joked with driver about running red lights.
In the ER they tried to get blood but her veins were just too small. The doctor told us that they were trying to get a flight to take her to the children's hospital in Madison but it was too foggy. They said they would figure out what was wrong and get her stable and then try to get her to Madison by ambulance. Even then, I wasn't too concerned. They drilled into her leg to get the blood. Her temperature was going up still and I knew that might cause a seizure. She was in my lap the entire time that they worked on her until her body went stiff and they said she was having a seizure. It was 9:05. They took us out of the room to a small room down the hall. I called my mom and told them what was going on. Nick and I still didn't know. We didn't talk but we didn't cry either. The nurse came back in to get us. As we walked back to the room she told us what we were going to see.
I will never forget the next 15 minutes. The doctors were pumping a bag breathing for her and giving her chest compressions. The minute I walked in the room I knew she was gone. I was so afraid they were going to ask us if we wanted to let her go or keep her on a machine. They didn't and for that I am grateful. I know what I would have said but I am glad that I didn't have to say it. They pushed some more drugs and did all they could but we knew.
At 9:35 they turned off the machines and stopped the chest compressions. The room was really quite and my little girl was gone.
The days leading up the the 17th.
Nick and I got back from a trip to Mexico on Sunday, Feb 13. Olivia had stayed at my mom and dad's she had a little cough but otherwise was a pretty happy baby. On Valentine's Day I stayed home and Nick and I hung out with Olivia. We didn't do anything special but I will always remember it as the most special Valentine's Day. Nick left on Tuesday night for an interview so it was just me and Olivia. She was crabby and needy on Tuesday but slept fine and seemed to be getting over the cough quickly. Wednesday was a good day too. She didn't sleep much at day care but that wasn't unusual. On Wednesday night she was happy and played in my lap with her new crab toy from grandma while I watched tv. It was actually a really good night. She got up at about 2 am which was pretty unusual. And she didn't want to eat. I rocked her and she fell asleep quickly but when I tried to put her down she woke up. I think this went on for a long time but she was so good all the time... I just thought... well she is a baby and deserves to have a bad night every once in awhile. I had no idea.
Getting Started
So... I am starting a blog. I am not yet sure how this is going to go so bear with me for a bit. Someone told me that writing things down might help me work through the feelings that I am having... so I figure I might as well give it a try. Also, I know that everyone wants to know how we are doing. This way, you will know.
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