So what now...

In the past few days I have got a lot of questions about what will happen now that we know for sure what happened to Olivia.  Well... first, we need to gain more information.  From the research I have done, it looks like the chances of having another child with a heart defect are a little higher then a normal pregnancy but I can't find that much information about agenesis gallbladder.  Also, I know that during our next pregnancy, I will need to do a fetal ekg.  What are the risks with that?  In order to find out more, I made an appointment at the Fetal Concerns Center at Milwaukee's Children's Hospital. 

The other part of our "what now" has to do with legal issues.  I can't say a lot about it but obviously, her heart defect went undiagnosed and day-care was at least somewhat neglectful in not calling us.  I have talked to people and they are looking over her medical records to see if there is a case.  It isn't easy.  I would rather not have to go through this but I feel that if we don't see this through then that would be like saying "it's okay."  And it isn't.  I don't expect anyone, doctors included, to be infallible but I do expect them to be held accountable.  If I made such an oversight at work I would at least want someone to bring it to my attention.  If nothing else, maybe it will be a learning experience.  A way to ensure it doesn't happen again.

So... that is where we are.  All in all these things are somewhat unpleasant.  I wish we didn't have to have a special appointment at Children's Hospital.  I wish that lawyers weren't part of my life.  But... now that we have the results I feel like we are starting to put one foot in front of the other again.  I feel like we are no longer in waiting mode.  Now we can work on figuring things out and that is the best I can hope for.

As usual, thanks to everyone who has called, e-mailed  and messaged us.  I might not be able to reply to everyone but your support does not go unnoticed.

Autopsy Results

Today we got the final autopsy results.  It was a bit weird because I pulled the coroner's card out this morning to give him a call but we were in a hurry so we said we would just call him when we got home.  On the way to meet my sister for lunch Nick got a call from a number he didn't know.  I told him to answer it because I thought it was the coroner- it was.  So we turned around to meet with him. 

The meeting was fairly short.  He gave us the doctors report from Waukesha and the report from Children's Hospital.  He also had printed off an article on her condition and showed us how her death certificate will read.

There was no surprise.  Everything on the report is exactly the way I thought it was going to be.  Olivia's little body was taken over.  She had an ear infection in each ear, bronchitis, RSV and the early on set of pneumonia.  She was sick- really sick but beyond that the death certificate also lists "other facts contributing to death." She had an undiagnosed congenital heart defect specifically, a ventricular septal defect.  Looking back I have no idea how I didn't know she was so sick but I really think that no matter how things would have happened, the outcome would be the same- or worse.

We are so lucky... we were in Mexico the week before she died.  How could I have ever forgiven myself or my parents if she died while we were down there.  Or... it was foggy out that night so she couldn't be flown to Madison.  If it wasn't foggy she could have died on that flight and neither Nick or I would have been there.  What if we did make it to Madison and they couldn't do anything for her?  Could I have gone 2-3 days knowing what was going to happen?  Looking back, if the outcome was always going to be the same, I am happy with how it turned out.  She didn't suffer.  Nick and I were there.  We got to hold her and say goodbye.  We didn't have make any heartbreaking decisions.  And finally, we had no clue it was coming.

You would think that getting these results might be upsetting to me... but it is not.  It actually makes me happy.  Olivia had a heart defect from the beginning.  Anytime during that 4 months we could have lost her.  Or... I had a long, difficult labor and delivery.  We are so lucky that she made it through that.  We are so luck that we had 4 months with her.  And as painful as it is everyday, 4 months is so much better then nothing at all.

Hanging out with Ivy and stopping by the cemetary...

Today I spent the day with my mom and my 5 month old niece Ivy.  I wouldn't say that I have been avoiding Ivy- but I have not gone out of my way to bond with her the same way I did with Ruby.  I needed today.  Seeing my friend's sons over the weekend helped me get over the fear I was secretly holding on to but seeing Ivy today really helped me let go of that fear.  Seeing and holding a baby isn't nearly as hard as I thought it was going to be.  I can hold a baby again.  I am able to be happy with a baby.  I can play with, feed and change another child.  My mom said the same thing... "The more time I spend with Ivy the better it gets."  Children are so unique.  Ivy is the same size as Olivia but she is a mover.  Olivia rolled over a few times but Ivy rolls and rolls and rolls.  Olivia loved to talk and squawk... but Ivy is pretty quite.

As the years go on I know that it will be hard.  Ivy and Olivia would have started school the same year- they would have graduated from high school the same year.  I will always see Ivy and wonder- what would Olivia be like now.  But it is okay.  I know that they would have been their own people.  They would have done those things in their own way.

Today we also stopped by Olivia grave.  We didn't go out of our way... it was more... I couldn't go that way and not stop.  We weren't there long.  I don't feel like she is there.  She is here- whenever I need her to be.  All I need to do is look up to the sky... and she is here.  I need to go to the cemetery every once in awhile just to make sure it looks nice.  And today I saw that they laid the cement for her headstone.  I am going to finalize the design tomorrow.  I am ready for everyone to know that a little girl lays there- my little girl.  Who was so unique that even when I have more children will never be replaced.

This song reminds me of my friends...

This past weekend I spent the weekend in Michigan visiting my "MI friends."  My "MI friends" are my sorority sisters, their husbands.  I was very nervous about it.  So many of them have new babies and I just didn't know if it would be the same.  Would I be okay meeting their kids?  Would we still be able to hang out and have as much fun as before?  I was so excited to go visit but I cried the whole way.  See... I should have been taking my baby there... I should have been introducing her to all them.

Well... I don't know what I was so worried about it.  My "MI friends" are the type of friends that people call forever friends.  They have always been there for me... through the good and the bad of college, through the stress and happiness of getting married, through pregnancy and especially now.  There is something about friends like them... they seem to know more about what I need when then I do.  From the day after when Jade, Erika, Erica and Stefan came here to make sure we ate dinner, help me choose what to wear and help Nick by a suit coat.  To this weekend when Nyx so thoughtfully decided that I could meet Ellie, her 4 month old, next time I visited Michigan. The whole way along my friends have known what to do to make me feel better... even when I didn't know what to ask. 

To all my friends (not just the MI ones)... this song really reminds me of you.  I know you would do all those things... and so much more.  Thank you so much for all you have done.  You are all truly special to me.  And just so you know... I would be heartbroken if I ever had to... but if you were in the same spot someday... I will do all those things for you.

Sorry for my lack of writing...

Sorry I took a break from writing.  I know that everyone wants to know how we are doing.  We are living up with the name of the blog... just taking it day by day.  Nick is gone now Monday through Friday.  I am working a lot more lately and trying to keep everything up with the house keeps me busy at night.  Lately, I have been getting the question "are you trying for a second baby?"

I am ready to let everyone know that yes... Nick and I would like to have a family again.  We want more children.  I miss everything about being a mom... well... maybe not waking up at 3 am or breastfeeding. :)  But I have reservations about actually becoming a mom again.  First, the pregnancy will be much more stressful this time.  There will be more tests and more worrying.  Also, while I think that having another baby will help with some aspects of missing Olivia, it won't make loosing her okay.  And it might make some things more difficult.  Before you have a child you wonder about what kind of parent you will be but you have some faith that everything will be okay.  Loosing Olivia shattered that for me. 

I was super scared of SIDS with Olivia.  It took a little bit but eventually I was able to sleep when she was sleeping.  I am not sure about that with another child.  How will I ever be able to sleep?  Also, there will be the day when our second child gets sick... will I be able to handle that?  I am not sure I can handle taking another child to the ER.

I know that these fears will always be there and I am not willing to give up my family because of them.  Nick and I will just have to find someway to work through them.  For now, just know that we do want a family and we are grateful that we continue to be in your thoughts and prayers.