Today I spent the day with my mom and my 5 month old niece Ivy. I wouldn't say that I have been avoiding Ivy- but I have not gone out of my way to bond with her the same way I did with Ruby. I needed today. Seeing my friend's sons over the weekend helped me get over the fear I was secretly holding on to but seeing Ivy today really helped me let go of that fear. Seeing and holding a baby isn't nearly as hard as I thought it was going to be. I can hold a baby again. I am able to be happy with a baby. I can play with, feed and change another child. My mom said the same thing... "The more time I spend with Ivy the better it gets." Children are so unique. Ivy is the same size as Olivia but she is a mover. Olivia rolled over a few times but Ivy rolls and rolls and rolls. Olivia loved to talk and squawk... but Ivy is pretty quite.
As the years go on I know that it will be hard. Ivy and Olivia would have started school the same year- they would have graduated from high school the same year. I will always see Ivy and wonder- what would Olivia be like now. But it is okay. I know that they would have been their own people. They would have done those things in their own way.
Today we also stopped by Olivia grave. We didn't go out of our way... it was more... I couldn't go that way and not stop. We weren't there long. I don't feel like she is there. She is here- whenever I need her to be. All I need to do is look up to the sky... and she is here. I need to go to the cemetery every once in awhile just to make sure it looks nice. And today I saw that they laid the cement for her headstone. I am going to finalize the design tomorrow. I am ready for everyone to know that a little girl lays there- my little girl. Who was so unique that even when I have more children will never be replaced.
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