Mixed emotion

I have not been writing as much lately.  It is not because I don't have anything left to say... I have just been very busy at work lately and the thought of getting on the computer when I get home does not sound like fun.  So now there is so much to write about but today I want to just tell you why my feelings lately are so confusing and conflicting.  I feel that I am being pulled in two different directions.  Let me explain.

Last week my niece Ivy turned 4 months and 2 days old and a few days later share was 16 weeks 6 days old.  That is older then Olivia.  Olivia was 4 months 1 day or 16 weeks 5 days.  Ivy was not supposed to get older then Olivia.  In some ways that makes me so sad but at the same time I am happy.  I am happy to see Ivy grow up and am excited to see her laugh and smile- a task she just learned how to "on demand."   I am just sad that I will never see Olivia laugh again.  I miss her laugh so much.  How can one thing make you both so happy and yet sad at the same time?

Sometimes, I find myself so jealous of my sister and my friends.  Everyone else's baby's are gowning up... and mine never will.  It is so hard to not be jealous.  At other times, that doesn't always make sense to me either.  At times, I feel that being jealous of them is so selfish.  Some of my very good friends are struggling so hard to just get pregnant and others have had so many complications with pregnancies that they will never know the joy of having a baby.  I guess I should be grateful and most of the time I am.  Most of the time I really am... but other times I am not.  Other times I am just plain ... angry; just plain sad.  I feel like a kid that was given candy and then had ripped from their sticky hands.  I don't understand... why let me know the joy of motherhood and then take it away?  Which is worse- never knowing- or knowing what you lost?  Is it really better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all?

I have read enough about grief that I know all these feelings are normal.  Grief is not linear and I will go back and fourth.  I know that eventually I won't have such a roller coaster of emotion.  Eventually, I will make it through a week without having that punched in the stomach.feeling.  One day, I will make it through a week without thinking "oh my God, this really happened."  Until then... I guess I will just have to keep writing because it really does help.  Thanks to all of you for reading.