It has been bothering me lately that I have been pretty lax about getting to Michigan this summer to visit my friends. For those of you who don’t know I have no less than 15 friends or acquaintances who have had babies since the first of the year. I hate not being able to share with them. I hate that I don’t really want to talk to them and I really hate that I don’t want to visit. I just can’t. I want to- I really want to be a good friend especially since some have stepped up so much during the past few months. But the thought of going and being bombarded by babies gives me a headache. I just can’t. I hope that I will be able to soon… but I have a feeling that I am going to have to ease back into this part of my life. I used to have so many things in common with everyone and the fact that I can’t share in their joy of motherhood kills me.
Which brings me to my “now what” revelation. Nick and I have been going to counseling and I think that has helped us understand where each person is in their own grieving. Now it is time to find other people who have been through this. I need someone else in my life who knows that this pain will never go away. It will ease and I will be able to breathe. We will go on and have more children and then everything will be good. But no matter how good it ever gets… I will always carry with me a certain amount of pain.
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